Warning about dating a Chinese girl !!!

[mylydiamy]

This is my recent experience and I wanted share it with everyone and get your opinion...

I started dating a Chinese girl (35) about 2 years ago. I was 42 at that time. She was divorced with 2 kids and I was going through my divorce at that time. Her parents were living with her too. At our first date we had a mutual agreement that we were NOT looking for a marriage. And we had never talked about it since then...

We were together for 2 years until a month ago. She was the love of my life and made me happier than I had ever. I loved her the same way and made her happy the same way. I can NOT say one negative thing about her. Her kids grew closer to me than their father. My daughter (17) loved her kids as if her own siblings. And her parents, especially her mother treated me very well.

It was all good until a month ago.... One day her mother cornered her and asked her when she was planning to get married with me. She told her that we had an agreement that we don't want to get remarried. But her mother didn't accept it and told her either to marry me or break up. She kept increasing the pressure and made her life miserable

After 3 weeks I realized that her mother wasn't gonna stop as it was getting worse each day. The pressure on my gf effected her and her kids that I had no choice but break up with her in order to save her from being completely miserable.

Last week I spoke to couple of Chinese people about my situation and this is what they told me : In Chinese tradition, it is the youngest sibling's responsibility to take care of the parents as long as they are alive. And this allows parents to control the life of that person as if he/she is a kid.

So my perfect relationship which I worked so hard to build was destroyed because her f***ing mother

Has anyone have experienced anything similar to mine? Does anyone know if this is really the way it woks in Chinese families?

Thanks

[yarviinn]

Originally Posted by mylydiamy

Last week I spoke to couple of Chinese people about my situation and this is what they told me : In Chinese tradition, it is the youngest sibling's responsibility to take care of the parents as long as they are alive. And this allows parents to control the life of that person as if he/she is a kid.

That is completely false. It's usually the oldest sibling's responsibility...

Sorry about the situation OP, but it's just how Chinese parents are. They will bug you until you do what they want. However, after a while, they will understand the situation and will get used to it. My parents are the exact same thing, but I just ignore them.

[KingOfJericho]

lol 35yr old "girl"

Tradition or not, it sounds ridiculous.

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by yarviinn

That is completely false. It's usually the oldest sibling's responsibility...

Sorry about the situation OP, but it's just how Chinese parents are. They will bug you until you do what they want. However, after a while, they will understand the situation and will get used to it. My parents are the exact same thing, but I just ignore them.

Thanks for your input. I might have mixed up youngest/oldest sibling thing

[Whostheboss]

Hmmmmm

In my culture (West African) A Woman must never date man if she doesnt plan on marrying him and vice versa.

I don't know Chinese culture but it sounds to me like they have similar believes to us. It's greatly forbidden for two people to date without marriage in the near future. A lot of African have come to the US to escape such rituals and some places in Africa are now adapting to Western civilization.

In your case, the fact that her parents live with her is making it even worse for her yo escape the old Chinese culture.

The part about the last child taking care of the parents sounds like BS to me, all kids should be involved in caring for their parents.

How old are the parents? maybe theyll die soon and she can be free to do what ever she wants LOL JK

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by Whostheboss

Hmmmmm

In my culture (West African) A Woman must never date man if she doesnt plan on marrying him and vice versa.

I don't know Chinese culture but it sounds to me like they have similar believes to us. It's greatly forbidden for two people to date without marriage in the near future. A lot of African have come to the US to escape such rituals and some places in Africa are now adapting to Western civilization.

In your case, the fact that her parents live with her is making it even worse for her yo escape the old Chinese culture.

The part about the last child taking care of the parents sounds like BS to me, all kids should be involved in caring for their parents.

How old are the parents? maybe theyll die soon and she can be free to do what ever she wants LOL JK

Not old enough Her bitch mother ain't going anywhere any time soon...

[MediaArtist]

Couldn't you scare her off? Like showing her mother the alimony and child support bill you pay every month, and tell her that her daughter could potentially be responsible for that if you ever get laid off.

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by MediaArtist

Couldn't you scare her off? Like showing her mother the alimony and child support bill you pay every month, and tell her that her daughter could potentially be responsible for that if you ever get laid off.

Haha! I am not sure if that would work.

But let me tell you something funny : Her mother threatened my gf that she would sue me for sexual harassment if she doesn't stop dating me!!!!

[F32]

I'm calling BS. On your age.

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by F32

I'm calling BS. On your age.

Confused ???

[GAaaAR]

Like all races, it depends on the person and their family and what their traditions are. Chinese are a very diverse race, I've seen oldest take care of their parents, and youngest and some are in nursing homes.

[edirtaynine]

thats not a chinese thing. thats more like a general asian thing...

but this seems more of a combination of two extremes... 1) the girl's parents are super old school tradition about being strict regarding a couple and marriage. 2) you seem to be on the other opposite end of that spectrum of a couple never having to be married and live together

that's a tough combo to put together peacefully. both sides need to give in a little and compromise, but seems like neither side wants to because they feel they shouldn't need to. hence, the conflict.

are you a white guy that never interacted with asians growing up? just asking cuz people that have, usually have see and are aware of the differences between "old school strict asian culture" and "western u.s. culture"

[kevinbahnz]

Sucks for you OP but some asians are like that. She's been through a divorce before , why would she want to go through it again.

[F32]

Originally Posted by mylydiamy

Confused ???

A little. I thought forum relationship rants were reserved for 17 year olds.

Can't say I have much experience dating Asians, even though they're the largest population after whites in the afluent towns of the Bay Area. I did however have a lovely young 23 year-old intern in Singapore stay with me for a week while on a business trip. Marriage was certainly NOT on her mind, but what a great girl she was.

[Nate4641]

Sounds like mama needs to be put in a home.

[BOOSTLEE]

Originally Posted by mylydiamy

Not old enough Her bitch mother ain't going anywhere any time soon...

to get close to an Asian women, you must get closer to the parents, you just blew any chances you had, time to go separate ways pal....

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by edirtaynine

thats not a chinese thing. thats more like a general asian thing...

but this seems more of a combination of two extremes... 1) the girl's parents are super old school tradition about being strict regarding a couple and marriage. 2) you seem to be on the other opposite end of that spectrum of a couple never having to be married and live together

that's a tough combo to put together peacefully. both sides need to give in a little and compromise, but seems like neither side wants to because they feel they shouldn't need to. hence, the conflict.

are you a white guy that never interacted with asians growing up? just asking cuz people that have, usually have see and are aware of the differences between "old school strict asian culture" and "western u.s. culture"

Yes I am a white gut and never been in a relationship with an Asian woman. And you are right on target with "old school strict Asian culture" comment. My closest friend is married to Chinese woman who is from "modern western culture" for 20 years. She also met my x gf and her mother. She told me that her mother is VERY old fashioned.

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by hot&now

to get close to an Asian women, you must get closer to the parents, you just blew any chances you had, time to go separate ways pal....

You are right on that. But I did that. Her parents liked me. But the problem was they liked me too much that they wanted me to marry their daughter!!!

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by F32

A little. I thought forum relationship rants were reserved for 17 year olds.

Can't say I have much experience dating Asians, even though they're the largest population after whites in the afluent towns of the Bay Area. I did however have a lovely young 23 year-old intern in Singapore stay with me for a week while on a business trip. Marriage was certainly NOT on her mind, but what a great girl she was.

I was kind of ranting and kinds of wondering if anyone experienced something similar to mine...

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by kevinbahnz

Sucks for you OP but some asians are like that. She's been through a divorce before , why would she want to go through it again.

She didn't but her mother did!

[Simsims]

typical old school asian traditions

there's nothing you can do about it.

back in those days there was no equivalent of 401k, your kids take care of you when you get old, and you always rule them as parents. it's just how those generations grew up.

those that came here are better - but not 100% better.

[mylydiamy]

Originally Posted by Simsims

typical old school asian traditions

there's nothing you can do about it.

back in those days there was no equivalent of 401k, your kids take care of you when you get old, and you always rule them as parents. it's just how those generations grew up.

those that came here are better - but not 100% better.

Now everything makes more sense. Thanks for your input!