The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

What kind of murderer has fibre?

A cereal killer.

[Dino GT]

.

[3.0L]

Two drunks sitting on the curb in front of a bar:

Drunk #1: "Hey man."

Drunk #2: "Yeah?"

Drunk #1: "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Drunk #2: "Yeah."

Drunk #1: "Man, I'll bet that hurt!"

[BMWGUYinCO]

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they resisting a rest?

[Sassicaia]

"You think Will Smith was mad in March!? You should have seen him in August!"

[Esteban]

What kind of tea is too hard to swallow?

Reality

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Esteban

What kind of tea is too hard to swallow?

Reality

Leaf tea without hot water (I'll see myself out

[infinitekidM2C]

Great thread. No potential for NSFW pics which don't belong anyways. Na mean?

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by infinitekidM2C

Great thread. No potential for NSFW pics which don't belong anyways. Na mean?

Couldn't resist.

[M5Rick]

Patient: ''Doctor I keep hearing ''The green green grass of home''in my head''
Doc: ''Thats called the Tom Jones syndrome''
Patient: ''Is that common''?
Doc: ''It's not unusual''

[Esteban]

Knock knock

Who's there?

A little old lady

A little old lady who?

I had no idea you could yodel

[3.0L]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

[Esteban]

Babies born on March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool's Day.

They were literally born yesterday.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY, BIMMERPOST!

[M5Rick]

In the Battle of Britain,the squadron leader in a group of patrolling Spitfire fighters shouts out over the radio ''Bandits 12 o clock high''! One of the other pilots replies ''It's okay old chap, we have four hours yet, it's only just 8 o clock now''

[BMWGUYinCO]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

In the Battle of Britain,the squadron leader in a group of patrolling Spitfire fighters shouts out over the radio ''Bandits 12 o clock high''! One of the other pilots replies ''It's okay old chap, we have four hours yet, it's only just 8 o clock now''

Reminds me of this classic:

A British WWII pilot is shot down over Germany. He wakes up in a German hospital bed, where the Dr. tells him: "Ve haf bad news...your leg vas severely damaged in ze crash, und ve gonna haf to amputate"

The British pilot is sad, but asks: "Hey old chap, can you do me a favor - have one of your pilots drop me leg over jolly old Great Britain?"

The Germans think for a second, and say: "Ya OK, ve do zis for you"

A couple of days later, the Dr returns with more bad news: "You haf developed a bad infection in your ozer leg, und ve gonna haf to amputate again"

"Oh no", the British pilots cries, "Seeing as you've been a proper gentleman before, can you drop me other leg over the land of my country?"
Hesitatingly, the Germans agree.

The next day, the German Dr. comes in and once again, brings terrible news "Now ve gonna haf to amputate your arm as it is badly damaged"

The British pilot, not believing his bad luck, begins: "Well, if me limbs have to go, please drop them over merry ol' London for me...."

"Nein!!!" the German Dr shouts, "Ve do zis for you no more! Ve zink you're trying to escape!!!"

[M5Rick]

I say I say

''I went to visit my son in Holland''
''Utrecht''?
''No I flew all the way''

[KevinC]

Q: What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

A: The location of the dirt bag

[M5Rick]

Man walks into the doctor's with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doc says 'I can give you some cream for that.'

[Esteban]

[Dino GT]

Two English friends that were into horse racing decide to buy a race horse together. So they decided to go to this little old Italian man that raised race horses to buy a horse.
They look at the horses in the field and they really like this black stallion full of muscle and running around full of energy, the horse looked beautiful they thought. So they decided to buy the horse.
They asked the little old Italian man how much for the horse? The little old Italian man says: Oh, that horse don`t look good, the two English friends look at each and say to each other, this guy doesn't know what he`s talking about, this horse is beautiful and blah, blah. So they say to the little old Italian man that they still want to buy the horse.
The little old Italian man says okay, usually they are $1500.00 each but because the horse don't look good I give to you for $1000.00. They were all happy and bought the horse.
A couple of days later the two English friends showed up at and the farm really mad at the little old Italian man, and they started saying that the horse can`t see well and that it keeps running into the barn and blah, blah. The little old Italian man looks at them and says, I told you that the horse don`t look good.

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Dino GT

Two English friends that were into horse racing decide to buy a race horse together. So they decided to go to this little old Italian man that raised race horses to buy a horse.
They look at the horses in the field and they really like this black stallion full of muscle and running around full of energy, the horse looked beautiful they thought. So they decided to buy the horse.
They asked the little old Italian man how much for the horse? The little old Italian man says: Oh, that horse don`t look good, the two English friends look at each and say to each other, this guy doesn't know what he`s talking about, this horse is beautiful and blah, blah. So they say to the little old Italian man that they still want to buy the horse.
The little old Italian man says okay, usually they are $1500.00 each but because the horse don't look good I give to you for $1000.00. They were all happy and bought the horse.
A couple of days later the two English friends showed up at and the farm really mad at the little old Italian man, and they started saying that the horse was can`t see well and that it keeps running into the barn and blah, blah. The little old Italian man looks at them and says, I told you that the horse don`t look good.

Just for fun.

[M5Rick]

How long did Cain hate his brother?
-?
-As long as he was able..