The joke thread, pics are not necessary

vreihen16 · 06-09-2023, 12:02 PM

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped in front of their car.

One nun says to the other, quick jump out and show him your cross.

The nun jumped out of the car and started yelling.. Get out of the road you idiot! You make me so angry !

M5Rick · 06-10-2023, 02:09 AM

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

Llarry · 06-10-2023, 07:31 AM

Shortages

Lady Jane · 06-10-2023, 11:03 AM

A Canadian traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border in Alberta.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Toronto "

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Ontario?

"The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."

Llarry · 06-10-2023, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

"The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."

<groan>

Esteban · 06-10-2023, 01:50 PM

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

M5Rick · 06-12-2023, 01:20 PM

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

M5Rick · 06-17-2023, 03:23 AM

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

///MFrankie · 06-17-2023, 04:13 AM

There are three types of people in this world.

Those who are good with numbers and those who aren't.

Buug959 · 06-17-2023, 01:07 PM

I saw a TV for sale with a broken volume button. How could I turn it down?

Buug959 · 06-17-2023, 01:08 PM

I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 16th time this week.

Esteban · 06-18-2023, 12:18 PM

Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?

To cover their butt-quacks.

Esteban · 06-18-2023, 12:20 PM

How does Darth Vader like his toast cooked?

On the dark side.

asianF22 · 06-18-2023, 03:30 PM

my new switch...

Esteban · 06-18-2023, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by asianF22

my new switch...

I stopped playing video games years ago but I’m kind of tempted by the Switch. Nintendo has always had it’s charm to me.

asianF22 · 06-18-2023, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Esteban

I stopped playing video games years ago but I’m kind of tempted by the Switch. Nintendo has always had it’s charm to me.

I play from time to time, i bought the OLED Switch last year which was my first time playing with one. My niece and nephew have one so i'm able to play with them online.

Esteban · 06-22-2023, 04:39 PM

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding" he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me" he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks" he said. "Works every time."

M5Rick · 06-24-2023, 12:06 PM

What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport?

Terminal illness.

BMWGUYinCO · 06-26-2023, 03:10 PM

I think my wife is putting glue on all my firearms.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

BMWGUYinCO · 06-26-2023, 03:11 PM

My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a "Get Well" soon card.

BMWGUYinCO · 06-27-2023, 08:33 AM

Headline: "Man in boxers leads police on brief chase"

BMWGUYinCO · 06-28-2023, 03:07 PM

I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn't work.

06-09-2023, 12:02 PM	#1123
vreihen16 Recovering Perfectionist 15270 Rep 941 Posts Drives: 2015 BMW i3 BEV Join Date: Jun 2019 Location: Orange County, NY iTrader: (0) Garage List 2014 Mighty Freight ... [0.00] 2015 BMW i3 BEV [0.00] 2000 Audi TT Quattro [0.00] 1967 Formula Vee [0.00]	Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped in front of their car. One nun says to the other, quick jump out and show him your cross. The nun jumped out of the car and started yelling.. Get out of the road you idiot! You make me so angry ! __________________ 2015 BMW i3 BEV, Giga World (Lodge interior), Tech/Driving Assist Packages, 30K miles
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06-10-2023, 02:09 AM	#1124
M5Rick General 60061 Rep 19,541 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
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06-10-2023, 07:31 AM	#1125
Llarry ///M driver 15948 Rep 499 Posts Drives: 2022 M3 6-speed Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [6.25] 2022 BMW M3 [9.40]	Shortages Attached Images __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimao Blue/Tartufo
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06-10-2023, 11:03 AM	#1126
Lady Jane Cailín gan eagla. 70856 Rep 1,004 Posts Drives: 2024 X3 M40i and R1200RT bike. Join Date: Mar 2020 Location: Atlantic Canada. iTrader: (0)	A Canadian traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border in Alberta. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other." "This I got to see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Toronto " Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Ontario? "The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."
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06-10-2023, 01:50 PM	#1128
Esteban Major General 43735 Rep 7,224 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. __________________ Last edited by Esteban; 06-10-2023 at 02:03 PM..
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06-12-2023, 01:20 PM	#1129
M5Rick General 60061 Rep 19,541 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
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06-17-2023, 03:23 AM	#1130
M5Rick General 60061 Rep 19,541 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
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06-17-2023, 04:13 AM	#1131
///MFrankie ///MHead 351 Rep 113 Posts Drives: MK2 Focus RS Stage 4+ Join Date: Jul 2021 Location: England iTrader: (0) Garage List 2010 Focus RS Stage 4+ [0.00] 2012 Corsa VXR Nurb ... [0.00]	There are three types of people in this world. Those who are good with numbers and those who aren't. __________________ Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall, torque is how much of the wall you take with you.
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06-17-2023, 01:07 PM	#1132
Buug959 Captain 17401 Rep 873 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	I saw a TV for sale with a broken volume button. How could I turn it down? __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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06-17-2023, 01:08 PM	#1133
Buug959 Captain 17401 Rep 873 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, VW Golf Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 16th time this week. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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06-18-2023, 12:18 PM	#1134
Esteban Major General 43735 Rep 7,224 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Why do ducks have feathers on their tails? To cover their butt-quacks. __________________
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06-18-2023, 12:20 PM	#1135
Esteban Major General 43735 Rep 7,224 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	How does Darth Vader like his toast cooked? On the dark side. __________________
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06-18-2023, 03:30 PM	#1136
asianF22 Enlisted Member 200 Rep 36 Posts Drives: 2020 BMW 230i Join Date: Feb 2023 Location: FL iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 BMW 230i [0.00]	my new switch... Attached Images
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06-22-2023, 04:39 PM	#1139
Esteban Major General 43735 Rep 7,224 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding" he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me" he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks" he said. "Works every time." __________________
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06-24-2023, 12:06 PM	#1140
M5Rick General 60061 Rep 19,541 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport? Terminal illness.
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06-26-2023, 03:10 PM	#1141
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I think my wife is putting glue on all my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
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06-26-2023, 03:11 PM	#1142
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	My neighbor couldn't afford his water bill, so I got him a "Get Well" soon card.
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06-27-2023, 08:33 AM	#1143
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Headline: "Man in boxers leads police on brief chase"
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06-28-2023, 03:07 PM	#1144
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
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