The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Pauly Wauly]

My wife asked me to grab her something from the hotel breakfast, and when I asked for suggestions, she said "you know what I like."

I`ve never been so scared in my whole life.

[M5Rick]

As a kid I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.
Then I got social media.

[M5Rick]

A couple in their twilight years are half snoozing in their bed.
Wifey- I was dreaming I was at Walmart..
Hubby- I was dreaming I was with 3 women.
Wifey- was I there?
Hubby- No, you were at Walmart.

[Esteban]

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[KRS_SN]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was excessive hair in his ears.

So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep the problem from recurring she should get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemists and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the counter the male assistant told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The male assistant says, 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. And if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The male assistant said, 'Well, stay off your bike for a week.'

[Buug959]

And in other news the sexual position formerly known as "69" will now be called "96".
Due to the economy the cost of eating out has gone up.

[KRS_SN]

A judge is about to pass sentence on a man:

Judge: "The defendant will rise. You have been found guilty of the heinous crime of murdering your wife by means of blows to the head with a hammer".

A man shouts out from the public gallery: "Bastard!".

The judge looks up at him, disapprovingly, and, looking at the defendant, continues:

'You have further been found guilty of the crime of murdering all your children, by means of blows to the head with a hammer"

The man in the public gallery shouts out again: "You f*g bastard!"

The judge replies: "Silence in my court, these outbursts will not be tolerated", and turning to the defendant: continues "You have further been found guilty, by a majority verdict, of the merciless slaughter of your mother-in-law, and her husband, by means of blows to the head with a hammer".

'You Bastard!" the man in the public gallery shouts out again.

The judge says: "Clerk of the court, bring that man down before me". When the man is in front of him, the judge says: " before I pass sentence on you for contempt of my court, do you wish to say anything?"

To which the man replies: "I'm sorry, your honour, but I've been living next door to that man for 10 years, and every time I ask to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one,"

[Esteban]

^ Was the defendant’s name Maxwell, by any chance?

[KRS_SN]

A group of aeronautical professors on the way to a conference were sat on a plane.
When the doors closed and the plane is about to take off, all the professors were informed that this plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rush toward the plane doors, trying to escape and survive on their own with exception of One professor who remain seated with so much confidence and calmness.
Someone's asked him why you're not escaping the plane.
Professor answered him with confidence, they are my students.
Next Question: are you sure that you taught them well?
Professor replied quietly: I'm Sure it won't fly.

[Zuban]

I walked into my neighbor's garage to ask if I could borrow his ladder. He pointed at it and said, "That? No, that's my step ladder. I never met my real ladder."

[KRS_SN]

One day the teacher challenges the class to construct a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it.
Little Mary was the first to raise her hand. 'Yes Mary?' Asks the teacher. 'My little brother had the measles and my Mam said to beware, as they are contagious.' 'Well done' says Teacher.

At the back of the class was Jimmy, picking his nose and flicking the snot at Mary. 'Come on Jimmy,' says Teacher, 'Can you think of a sentence with the word contagious in it?'
Jimmy thinks for a short while, and jumps up enthusiastically, 'Miss, Miss, my next door neighbour was painting his fence with a paintbrush and my Dad said It's going to take that contagious.'

[Esteban]

Why are spiders such know-it-alls?

Because they’re always on the web.