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      10-20-2020, 04:58 PM   #45
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My wife critiqued me early in the relationship until I made her start driving and critiquing her back (just stuff like what lane she should be in, if I saw something ahead she wasn't paying attention to, etc.) and since then she really doesn't comment much, and she doesn't want to drive when I am with her so it's a win win.

The thing I wouldn't do is submit to everything she complains about. I get a lot of enjoyment from driving, and if it ever became stressful or annoying for me, that would be a dealbreaker.
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      10-20-2020, 05:41 PM   #46
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It's a pretty safe assumption the driving critiques have little to do with you. A few questions...

Is she over the age of 22?
Did she grow up in a household of survival or love?
Does her persistent critiques only exist when it comes to your driving? Any other arenas whether its you or someone else?

If I were in your seat, I'd study her body language in the car too. As the questions pour on, what is her self-soothing que? Gripping hands, shifting eyes, holding the armrest, palms down, shoulders forward, etc... One easy to sense this without looking at her gestures is to feel for them, holding her hand while driving(check tension and temp), caressing her neck(check tension in neck/shoulders and posture).

These questions may seem odd but it helps map things out. Whatever the source of anxiousness, the resolve may be uphill but doable.
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      10-20-2020, 05:46 PM   #47
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If you actually want a serious answer to this dilemma and you have the time, I highly recommend you get hold of a book called "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" written by a couple of my fellow Aussies, Allan and Barbara Pease.

I found a link to the entire book in .PDF format at this site:

http://khalidrafiq.weebly.com/upload..._read_maps.pdf

Just a small sample from the book:

How to Argue While Driving
A husband who teaches his wife to drive is heading for the divorce courts. Men all around the world give the same instructions to women: 'Turn left - slow down! - change gears - watch out for those pedestrians - concentrate - stop crying!' For a man, driving is a test of his spatial ability relative to the environment. For a woman, the purpose of driving is to get safely from point A to point B. A man's best strategy as a passenger is to close his eyes, turn up the radio and stop commentating because, overall, women are safer drivers than men. She'll get him there - it may just take a little longer, that's all. But at least he can relax and arrive alive. A woman will criticise a man's driving because his spatial ability allows him to make decisions and judgements that look dangerous to her. Provided he doesn't have a poor driving record, she also needs to relax and not criticise, and just let him do the driving. When the first drop of rain hits the windscreen, a woman immediately turns on the wipers, something men can never understand. A man's brain waits until the exact amount of raindrops are on the screen relative to the speed of the wipers and he turns the wipers on when the precise amount of time has passed. In other words, he uses spatial ability.
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      10-20-2020, 06:11 PM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caduceus View Post
If you actually want a serious answer to this dilemma and you have the time, I highly recommend you get hold of a book called "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" written by a couple of my fellow Aussies, Allan and Barbara Pease.

I found a link to the entire book in .PDF format at this site:

http://khalidrafiq.weebly.com/upload..._read_maps.pdf

Just a small sample from the book:

How to Argue While Driving
A husband who teaches his wife to drive is heading for the divorce courts. Men all around the world give the same instructions to women: 'Turn left - slow down! - change gears - watch out for those pedestrians - concentrate - stop crying!' For a man, driving is a test of his spatial ability relative to the environment. For a woman, the purpose of driving is to get safely from point A to point B. A man's best strategy as a passenger is to close his eyes, turn up the radio and stop commentating because, overall, women are safer drivers than men. She'll get him there - it may just take a little longer, that's all. But at least he can relax and arrive alive. A woman will criticise a man's driving because his spatial ability allows him to make decisions and judgements that look dangerous to her. Provided he doesn't have a poor driving record, she also needs to relax and not criticise, and just let him do the driving. When the first drop of rain hits the windscreen, a woman immediately turns on the wipers, something men can never understand. A man's brain waits until the exact amount of raindrops are on the screen relative to the speed of the wipers and he turns the wipers on when the precise amount of time has passed. In other words, he uses spatial ability.
I must be a man:
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      10-20-2020, 06:20 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caduceus View Post
If you actually want a serious answer to this dilemma and you have the time, I highly recommend you get hold of a book called "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" written by a couple of my fellow Aussies, Allan and Barbara Pease.

I found a link to the entire book in .PDF format at this site:

http://khalidrafiq.weebly.com/upload..._read_maps.pdf

Just a small sample from the book:

How to Argue While Driving
A husband who teaches his wife to drive is heading for the divorce courts. Men all around the world give the same instructions to women: 'Turn left - slow down! - change gears - watch out for those pedestrians - concentrate - stop crying!' For a man, driving is a test of his spatial ability relative to the environment. For a woman, the purpose of driving is to get safely from point A to point B. A man's best strategy as a passenger is to close his eyes, turn up the radio and stop commentating because, overall, women are safer drivers than men. She'll get him there - it may just take a little longer, that's all. But at least he can relax and arrive alive. A woman will criticise a man's driving because his spatial ability allows him to make decisions and judgements that look dangerous to her. Provided he doesn't have a poor driving record, she also needs to relax and not criticise, and just let him do the driving. When the first drop of rain hits the windscreen, a woman immediately turns on the wipers, something men can never understand. A man's brain waits until the exact amount of raindrops are on the screen relative to the speed of the wipers and he turns the wipers on when the precise amount of time has passed. In other words, he uses spatial ability.

Read 25 pages and its good.. a bit clichéd when it tries to grab your attention but will read it through. Liked it when the author says that along the line over past 20 years 'equal' and 'identical' have been obfuscated. Of course men and women are equal but they are not identical.
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      10-20-2020, 06:24 PM   #50
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Take her to a One-day M School at one of the BMW Performance Centers under the guise of improving both of your driving skills in emergency situations. Then outperform her in the different events (rat race on wet oval, drifting on skid pad, timed autocross, high speed track). Hopefully, the head-to-head competition will take away her preconceived notion that she is the better driver.
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      10-20-2020, 07:44 PM   #51
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sad you have to ask this. but seems like what needs to be said has already been said.
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      10-20-2020, 07:56 PM   #52
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I dated a girl that seemed to constantly complain and compare. Nothing I did was good enough. Needless to say that didn’t work out. I mean, if I’m not good enough then let’s both move on to other people. I don’t want or need to prove myself every day for the rest of our lives. We all do things differently. So if she has issues with how you do things then let her do those things, and vice versa. But I have to tell you: there is a difference between giving constructive criticism for you to improve vs constant nagging. The latter will make you a sad man forever.
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      10-20-2020, 09:03 PM   #53
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She needs the D...i'm serious!
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      10-20-2020, 09:26 PM   #54
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Hell I have been married for 12 years and my wife still complains about my driving. Keep in mind I am a ups driver and drive for a live. I had one accident since I started driving over 15yrs ago and it was someone that hit me lol.. I just ignore it.
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      10-20-2020, 09:47 PM   #55
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There will be much bigger issues to manage in a relationship than driving. If you two are unable to develop the tools and skills to deal with driving, what are you going to do with financial decisions, socks left on the floor, and your poop stinking.
As stated, communicate to each other. If can't resolve, then move on.
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      10-21-2020, 01:14 AM   #56
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Summary for anyone joining. OP is in love. He's thought about killing her but the only thing that stopped him was episode of csi.
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      10-21-2020, 01:20 AM   #57
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      10-21-2020, 08:49 AM   #58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Soul_Glo View Post
Summary for anyone joining. OP is in love. He's thought about killing her but the only thing that stopped him was episode of csi.
We should definitely start having cliff note versions of long posts....and they should be wildly inaccurate just for fun.

See, i was going to go with, "he hasn't sent her to Jesus yet, because in prison the girlfriends friend wouldn't be able to ride shotgun."
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      10-21-2020, 09:16 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by D_o_S View Post
Hi guys (and gals),

looking for a little relationship advice... bear in mind, I am not the most experienced in relationships, so if this sounds noobish... forgive me.

I have been close with a woman, let's call her Jane, for over a year... we message each other "daily", spend weekends and evenings together, go on holidays together... but it's a little complicated...

There is one topic in general that seems to trigger endless complaints - my driving. It must be mentioned that the first time she saw me drive has probably left its mark: it was a massive downpour, at 23:00 at night, and we had an hour and a half ahead of us...

And I drove carefully, yes, but clearly (and as she confessed recently) to her, it seemed to be "on the limit". She said nothing at the time... but since, on shorter drives, she has complained about "braking too hard", "following cars infront too close" (I don't tailgate, but when we're in a traffic jam or at "walking speeds", I do hold a 3, 4 meter gap, usually not more), "driving too slow in parking lots", "taking turns too aggressively", etc.

To try to aid things, I let her drive for a bit... and I gathered some experience in that she brakes much earlier and ever so softly. So, I started to do this too, I accelerate gently, etc. She has claimed that it's a marked improvement!

BUT! Two things have happened:

- I took her on a trip with a friend of hers, and I could sense she was nervous. She said I was driving like so and so, but... her friend joined us for a part of the journey (4 hour drive). At the end of the journey, her friend said "what a wonderful driver I am"... and lo and behold, Jane said that ever since we picked up her friend, I had been driving "better"
---- my drawn conclusion: I drove the same. But she took her mind and worry off things, and concentrated on her discussion with her friend...

- We recently had to get to an appointment reasonably on time. Since we're in a COVID country, it could be expected that traffic will not be bad. But even so, I launched WAZE and drove according to WAZE... and a few times during the journey, I heard:
---- "I wonder how this navigation algorithm works"
---- "You're taking us all around the city, clearly"
---- "It's quite twisty here"
---- "I would have just checked the main roads on Google and went my own way"
etc... From my point of view, WAZE did choose an optimal route, that avoided several traffic lights at intersections, and we got where we needed to be on time.

On the way back, since we weren't necessarily pressed for time, I let her "choose" the way... and all in all, we a) ran in to a "construction site", b) the road was marginally less twisty, c) we "made it on time"...

In general, I am a calm person, and I don't really press onto people close to me to "push my opinion through". So, all in all, I didn't directly comment on her "complaints", or if I did, I tried to do so in a sarcastic, funny way (i.e. "Oh, I want you to see the beauty of the city" , etc.)

To me, this is a relationship topic that keeps recurring, and I would like to sort it out. From my point of view:
- I have accommodated my driving style to suit her perceptions (there may be a little improvement left here, but nothing too big, I assume)
- She is probably carrying the "first negative first experience" with her
=== All in all, to me, it seems like this is more in her mind than in my driving

I have the sort of feeling that whatever I do, however I drive, it will always be wrong unless she is physically in control of the car.
- If I take the "objectively" fastest route... well, we've seen that, it's too twisty etc. (with no comment on how it avoids traffic, lights, etc.)
- If I take the "preferred" route, and arrive late - well, we're late, I would have gone that way... etc.
- If I choose the shorter lane of traffic and then get stuck... well who's to blame... etc etc etc

Yes, I am a spirited driver, and yes, I am first to look at myself... but, based on my description:
- what do you think?
- what should I do?

In terms of what to do, I don't want to be ignorant to her, but I have decided - based on all this that I have experienced - to be playful and lighthearted about her complaints. Not to demean or make fun of her, but to show her I do feel what she's saying to a certain extent, and that "everything will be alright".

HELP PLEASE! Thanks
Dude.

I had in my online dating profile: "I know that I drive too fast. I'm trained and safe. If you can't handle it, don't bother writing me. Cheers!"

It got loads of laughs and the ladies really liked it. If you are like many here, cars and driving are a big part of your life. Why would you engage in a relationship that would destroy such a big part of your life? It's nonsensical. Make a good decision. Relationships can be work but you shouldn't to compromise on something so fundamental to your life.

As someone said earlier: Run.

Good luck.
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      10-21-2020, 09:34 AM   #60
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Originally Posted by DocL View Post
My wife hates the car I drive and hates the way I drive. Too fucking bad. The more she complains in the car, the later and harder I brake, and the faster I take turns. When she really gets going I turn off traction control. She even got so scared once that she believed my NSX was going to flip over. The next turn settled that fear pretty quickly. When we get home, I ask if she got hurt. Her answer was "no".

I also made a rule that she she can't blurt out "watch out" when there is a car 1/4mi up the road turning across. Dickhead, I already saw that five seconds before you did. Women can become so irrational when they are passengers in a car.
A tear just came to my eye. You're my hero.
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      10-21-2020, 09:52 AM   #61
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Genius! The old... didn't you read my profile when you messaged me? Gosh darn it can you listen already?!
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      10-22-2020, 12:05 PM   #62
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I thought I was a good person but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise
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      10-22-2020, 12:33 PM   #63
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I have been married for over 11 years and my wife think I'm a lunatic when it comes to driving. I have never been in a car accident in my 20+ year of driving mind you. But she is a very careful and soft driver while I like to "enjoy my ride".

I think what the OP posted is more related to being in a relationship that the actual act of driving itself, it would definitely help to talk to her calmly and let her know how it actually makes you feel when she makes these comments. Communication is key, unfortunately it took me over 10 years to figure that out

Good luck and thanks for sharing!
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      10-22-2020, 12:34 PM   #64
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haha, this is so funny!!!
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      10-22-2020, 12:50 PM   #65
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I think you should move on OP. Too many people settle and driving is an everyday thing that is bound to escalate.
From two previous relationship, neither liked my driving. The second time though, it got ugly and we fought in the car to the point where I pulled over and kicked him out.
I found my husband shortly after, who also has an interest in fast cars, and was 1000% times the man anyone I had met prior could be, in every way possible.
Good things come to those who wait is all Im sayin
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      10-22-2020, 07:43 PM   #66
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my wife constantly bitches how unsafe I am when I drive despite having 0 crashes over 2 decades and I sit comfortably when she drives despite her record of 5 crashes in 3 years drive(she stresses none were her fault though insurers deemed all 5 her fault lol)
so I let her drive always. no bitching I can get chauffeured around and the risk is another crash but that's less painful than her bitching when I drive.
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