The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Llarry

Due to staffing shortages at healthcare facilities such as hospitals and clinics, any woman who dresses as a slutty nurse for Halloween will be required to work a 12 hour shift at a nearby hospital.

Some of the porters would want to work overtime too seing the Halloween uniform

[Esteban]

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says “who told you that drinking is bad?”

The nun says “Mother Superior told me.”

To which the man asks “have you ever tried it?”

The nun replies “no, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”

The man says “well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what, if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”

The nun agrees. “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”

The man goes up to the bartender and says “bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looks at the man and says “is that nun in here again?”

[Car-Addicted]

Saw this today and LMAO.

[TNTMYM3]

How do you keep a politician from drowning?

You take your foot off his head.

[Esteban]

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

• He pasta way.

• We cannoli do so much.

• His legacy will become a pizza history.

• Just proves the old adage, “Here today, gone tomato.”

• How sad that he ran out of thyme.

• Olive my prayers go to the family.

• His wife is very upset; cheese still not over it.

• You never sausage a tragic thing!

[Esteban]

Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire?

A: Because they can’t come inside without asking for permission.

[Pauly Wauly]

A millionaire walks into a bank in New York City and asks to see the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says; The bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to his Ferrari. My Ferrari is parked on the street in front of the bank, says the man.

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Ferrari to the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the millionaire returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, I'm a little puzzled. While you were away, I checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man replies; Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?

[snowbimmer]

^^^^ I love these kinds of jokes


Puttin' one over on The Man.

[Esteban]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said. “Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Wauly

A millionaire walks into a bank in New York City and asks to see the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says; The bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to his Ferrari. My Ferrari is parked on the street in front of the bank, says the man.

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Ferrari to the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the millionaire returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, I'm a little puzzled. While you were away, I checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man replies; Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?

Good one Wauly.

[Esteban]

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”

So I wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

[Esteban]

^ Makes me think of a member here whose username is 10".

[BMWGUYinCO]

I ate only natural foods until I found out most people die from natural causes.

[Esteban]

A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!”

The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.”

The lawyer looks down and screams “F**k! My Rolex!”

[vreihen16]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car…

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car…!!! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son…,” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins, and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins..!?!?!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!”, the irate man yelled. “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. Not DOLPHINS!”

[3.0L]

A good friend of mine barely rear-ended a car at a stop light in England. It was so minor, he did nothing. When the light turned green, the car ahead did not move. Somewhat concerned, my friend got out of his car and approached the car ahead. Much to his horror, the driver had blood all over his shirt and was passed out. My friend's first thought was, Oh my God, how could I have killed him? I barely hit his bumper.

Well, after a few moment, the bloody driver came to and finally got around to explaining what happened.

He was picking his nose when his bumper got tapped, shoving his finger up his nose, causing a nose bleed. The driver confessed that the sight blood makes him woozy.

[JimmyJazz]

A doe comes out the woods. She’s short of breath. Her eyes are glazed. Her hair is matted with wet patches all over.
She says, “that’s the last time I’ll do that for two bucks again!”

[BMWGUYinCO]

I'm reading a book on the history of lubrication.

It's non-friction.

[Esteban]

A father and son went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.

The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "son, even on this dark and gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the bar and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, his son follows him to the local bar. There, while enjoying their beers, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "father, you're not dying from AIDS, you're dying from cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father replies, "aye, you are right, my son; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."

[Kowalski2011]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

[Esteban]

A boy is invited to Thanksgiving dinner at his girlfriend’s parent’s house so that they can meet him.

They’ve been together a while but haven’t had sex yet.

His girlfriend tells him that after he meets her parents they can “get intimate”. So in preparation, he decides to get some condoms at the local drugstore.

As this will be his first time, he doesn’t know anything about condoms and so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy.

The pharmacist explains all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of “ribbed for her pleasure”.

The time comes for the Thanksgiving dinner and the young couple are seated at the dinner table with the girl’s parents.

The girl is surprised to see the boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer.

She whispers to him, “I didn’t know you were so religious!”

He whispers back, “I didn’t know your father was a pharmacist.”

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by SpeedBuggy

Under the Bleachers

By: Seymour Butts

And yet another one of the same type:


Antlers in the treetops.

By: Who goosed the moose.