The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[BMWGUYinCO]

To the guy who invented zero: thanks for nothing.

[Dino GT]

Ho Chow calls work and says: Hey, I don't come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.
The boss says; you know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great, I go work soon, thank you boss.
Oh boss? Yes Ho Chow.....You got nice house.

[Lady Jane]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'
So she did.

Dr Chang then said,
'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'
So she did.

Dr Chang then said,
'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'
So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case
I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse.

[No one]

A successful entrepreneur is being interviewed. "-What is the key point behind your success? -It's the idea that money can't buy happiness. -Do you mean you succeeded when you realized that? -I mean I succeeded when I convinced my employees of that."

[M5Rick]

How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing,they were free of charge.

[Dino GT]

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?
Retired.

[Dino GT]

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?
Because they don't have to go to work.

[Lady Jane]

Have you heard about the guy who bought a dog whistle?

[KRS_SN]

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

[KRS_SN]

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

[KRS_SN]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. 'Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.


'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'

[Dino GT]

^^^^ That`s funny

[3.0L]

.

[Mandi90TT]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

In a Chicago...

That is actually incredibly hilarious.

[Dino GT]

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on Billy's door. Billy told him that he was not interested, but he insisted on a free demonstration. He said even if he didn't make a sale Billy would still get a free gift. Billy said okay.
Before they even sat down he dumped a bucket of dog shit on the carpet and said.
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it, I'll personally eat what's left.
Billy said: I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electricity yesterday.

[KRS_SN]

Little Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.

As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.

But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone…

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!

[M5Rick]

What is a witch's favourite subject at school?
Spelling.

[M5Rick]

Which planet loves to sing?
Nep-tune.

[Nikolay Gochev]

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

[M5Rick]

Why are pizza jokes the worst? They're too cheesy.

[KRS_SN]

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? ’Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? ’Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.