The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Markr]

Similar theme…

Two blokes at the Pearly Gates got chatting, and agreed to meet up at the end of the day for a drink.

First bloke gets called forward by Saint Peter, “My son, you have led a good life, you have been kind to people, and as such I am giving you a Rolls Royce to drive around in Heaven”. He was pleased, and went on his way.

Second bloke gets called forward by Saint Peter, “My son, you have led a good life, been kind to most people, but you were not a good husband. I am giving you a Nissan Micra (look it up!) to drive around Heaven. He said “fair enough”, and went on his day.

Later that night the two blokes met up for a drink, the guy in the Nissan was laughing. The other bloke said “what are you laughing at”, the other bloke said, “I have just seen a Priest on roller skates”

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached, people slept. When Don flew, people prayed."

When I die, I want to pass in my sleep like my grandfather...

... and not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!!!!!

[3.0L]

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What?"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

[3.0L]

An old fighter pilot is telling some school children about his days in the Air Force during WW2.

He says, "So there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left."

The teacher interrupts, "You see children, the Fokker was a German plane."

The pilot replies, "That may be, but those fuckers were flying Messerschmitts."

[Dino GT]

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising.
Are they ashamed of their customers?

[OkieSnuffBox]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

#dadjokes

[rwheels]

Wife Bad

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink, after drink.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“ I got into a fight, with my wife, and and she said she wasn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”
"Yeah, but today is the last day.”

[rwheels]

Probably a repeat; age and all.

[3.0L]

What’s on pages 4 and 5 of the Ford user’s manual?

The train & bus schedules.



Did you know that 98% of all Fords ever built are still on the road?

The other 2% made it home.

[cmyx6go]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

What’s on pages 4 and 5 of the Ford user’s manual?

The train & bus schedules.



Did you know that 98% of all Fords ever built are still on the road?

The other 2% made it home.

Flip
Over
Read
Directions

or

Found
On
Road
Dead

Carry on

[vreihen16]

Factory Original Rusty Dents.

[M5Rick]

'Old Fords never die they just get faster' dreamers dream when they're in the scrap yard.

[CarsAndGuitars]

Fix Or Repair Daily
Fooking OutRight Dangerous

[vreihen16]

.

[3.0L]

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.

The wife finds a leak in the roof.

She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.

So is the plumbing. So is the car.

He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

Quick poll: for all women who think men are pigs, vote by a show of your hooters.

I saw the photographs of the results. Now I have a quick pole.

[OkieSnuffBox]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

Flip
Over
Read
Directions

or

Found
On
Road
Dead

Carry on

First
On
Race
Day

[Dpc2u]

^

Friggin' old recycled Dodge

Fast only rolling downhill

[vreihen16]

Q: Why does every Ford come with a heated rear defroster?

A: So that your hands stay warm pushing it in the winter.

[3.0L]

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

^^ good one.

[BMWGUYinCO]

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye!