The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

[KRS_SN]

It was a custody hearing. The child was a teenager and able to express his own opnion.

He didn''t want to live with his mother as she was prone to thrashing him.

What about the father then ? Sorry, he beat me too.

Any other relatives ? Only an aunt and she beat him harder than his parents.

The judge committed the lad to the care of the England football team, as he was satisfied they would never beat anyone

[Esteban]

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys said, “of course I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N" she answered.

[M5Rick]

A chap returned to the hotel he was staying at after a drinking session in a pub and went to the front desk telling the receptionist he doesn't remember what room he's in.
She replied ''No problem, you're in the lobby''.

[Buug959]

Life is like a penis.
It's short.
It hangs out.
It's simple.

And then a woman makes it hard.

[Esteban]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender “this is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender said “all right. What is 10+11+13.”

The dog said “34.” "Wow, he got it right." said the bartender. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.

Then the guy said “don’t let my dog go anywhere, I have to use the bathroom.”

So he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says “if your so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn’t see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy “the dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says "what are you doing? You have never done this before.”

The dog says “I have never had 5 dollars before either.”

[Soul_Glo]

🦈

[Buug959]

I

[Buug959]

Did you hear about the man who was visited by a clock?

No, I didn't. What happened?

His time had come.

[Esteban]

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

He stands in the middle of the bar, takes the dog by the collar, and starts swinging him in a circle.

Everyone stops and stares.

Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands “what the hell are you doing?”

The blind man turns toward the patron and says “oh, nothing, just having a look around."

[M5Rick]

What will you find on an electric bus?
A conductor.

[Soul_Glo]

A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing."

The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the dad replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"

"Oh, she's just spoiled."

🐘

[Buug959]

Do you know the real reason married men wind up having dad bods is because when they were single they would go to the fridge, see nothing that they wanted and go to bed.
Now that they're married, they go to bed, see nothing that they want and go to the fridge.

[ezaircon4jc]

Men make mistakes. Married men just find out sooner.

[KRS_SN]

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”

[Esteban]

^ Good one. Made me laugh. 😹

[Lady Jane]

A prostitute told a Canadian man she'd sleep with him for $100.

He told her he wasn't really tired but he could do with the $100.

[KRS_SN]

A man is riding his Honda along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but, unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of his bike.

The rider,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, stops to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The rider feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway. She sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and brings back a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

Amazingly the rabbit jumps up, waves a paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again.

He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"


The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

" Miracle Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and gives long lasting wave."

[Esteban]

This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a minute, then he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.

[Soul_Glo]

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: “How do you breathe through that little thing?”

🐘

[Soul_Glo]

🥚

[KRS_SN]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"