The joke thread, pics are not necessary

BMWGUYinCO · 06-29-2023, 03:32 PM

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing....

M5Rick · 06-29-2023, 03:36 PM

I prodded my horse to get galloping and he said neigh.

Esteban · 06-29-2023, 10:10 PM

I invented the alcohol diet.

Lost three days already.

3.0L · 07-05-2023, 01:49 PM

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . . Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

M5Rick · 07-06-2023, 12:05 PM

What music do builders love listening to?
The Carpenters.

Kowalski2011 · 07-07-2023, 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

What music do builders love listening to?
The Carpenters.

And occasionally some 'Nine Inch Nails'

Kowalski2011 · 07-07-2023, 06:57 AM

Jacob was a good farmer, in fact he was outstanding in his field!

BMWGUYinCO · 07-13-2023, 10:18 AM

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hike
Hike Who?
Unsuspecting friend
Me, waiting with baited breath
Sets the perfect trap.

Esteban · 07-13-2023, 12:03 PM

Question: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?

Answer: A cuntstubble.

billnchristy · 07-14-2023, 08:44 AM

It burns.....

98Blur · 07-14-2023, 02:37 PM

When did they have the first motorcycle race?

When they made the 2nd motorcycle.

Llarry · 07-16-2023, 02:55 AM

A man asked his wife of many years "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She responded "I'd take my half and leave you."

He replied "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6; be sure to keep in touch."

M5Rick · 07-16-2023, 11:21 AM

I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman with her hazard lights on.
I thought myself, ''At least she's honest''.

M5Rick · 07-17-2023, 02:33 PM

Why did the librarian keep buying books?

She had no shelf-control.

3.0L · 07-21-2023, 08:27 PM

.

M5Rick · 07-25-2023, 05:14 AM

What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour.

BMWGUYinCO · 07-25-2023, 02:58 PM

My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

3.0L · 07-27-2023, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

True story:

We bought our kids string cheese during their schools years. We had a Lab. Before I mowed the lawns on Saturday, I always cleared the land-mines before mowing. One day, I found a Lab deuce, complete with a string cheese wrapper imbedded along the side of the turd, complete with barcode. I about laughed my ass off.

BMWGUYinCO · 07-31-2023, 02:46 PM

I do all mathematical addition in my head.

It's the thought that counts.

M5Rick · 08-03-2023, 06:18 AM

A lorry has overturned on the M25 orbital motorway containing Vicks vapour rub.
Cops have said there will be no congestion for six hours.

BMWGUYinCO · 08-08-2023, 04:23 PM

I just saw a guy collapse on the airport luggage carousel!

I believe he is fine as he's slowly coming around.

M5Rick · 08-11-2023, 12:02 PM

Cops pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder on the motorway today.
Apparently its not the place to play a keyboard.

06-29-2023, 03:32 PM	#1145
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing....
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06-29-2023, 03:36 PM	#1146
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	I prodded my horse to get galloping and he said neigh.
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06-29-2023, 10:10 PM	#1147
Esteban Major General 43789 Rep 7,224 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	I invented the alcohol diet. Lost three days already. __________________
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07-05-2023, 01:49 PM	#1148
3.0L Colonel 8937 Rep 2,010 Posts Drives: M235i, 20k miles Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol . . . . Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead! Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead! Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . . Alive! So the Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service! __________________ ///M235i \| Mineral Grey Metallic \| Premium Package \| Technology Package \| Driver Assistance Package \| Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather \| Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system \| 8-speed automatic When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser
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07-06-2023, 12:05 PM	#1149
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	What music do builders love listening to? The Carpenters.
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07-07-2023, 06:57 AM	#1151
Kowalski2011 Private 1172 Rep 97 Posts Drives: 11 135i-11E93-M3-01 Z3-91 M5 Join Date: Jun 2021 Location: Midwest iTrader: (0) Garage List 1991 BMW M5 [9.38] 2011 BMW 135i [7.00] 2001 BMW Z3 3.0i [8.50] 2011 BMW M3 [0.00]	Jacob was a good farmer, in fact he was outstanding in his field!
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07-13-2023, 10:18 AM	#1152
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Knock Knock Who's there? Hike Hike Who? Unsuspecting friend Me, waiting with baited breath Sets the perfect trap.
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07-13-2023, 12:03 PM	#1153
Esteban Major General 43789 Rep 7,224 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Question: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes? Answer: A cuntstubble. __________________
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07-14-2023, 08:44 AM	#1154
billnchristy Major 1604 Rep 1,480 Posts Drives: 2022 M440xi GC Join Date: Feb 2019 Location: Atlanta iTrader: (0) Garage List 1966 Ford Mustang [0.00] 2022 BMW M440ix GC [10.00] 2022 Ford Bronco [0.00]	It burns.....
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07-14-2023, 02:37 PM	#1155
98Blur Registered 8 Rep 2 Posts Drives: BMW E39 Join Date: Jul 2023 Location: Midwest iTrader: (0)	When did they have the first motorcycle race? When they made the 2nd motorcycle.
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07-16-2023, 02:55 AM	#1156
Llarry ///M driver 16002 Rep 499 Posts Drives: 2022 M3 6-speed Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [6.25] 2022 BMW M3 [9.40]	A man asked his wife of many years "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She responded "I'd take my half and leave you." He replied "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6; be sure to keep in touch." __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimao Blue/Tartufo
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07-16-2023, 11:21 AM	#1157
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman with her hazard lights on. I thought myself, ''At least she's honest''.
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07-17-2023, 02:33 PM	#1158
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	Why did the librarian keep buying books? She had no shelf-control.
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07-21-2023, 08:27 PM	#1159
3.0L Colonel 8937 Rep 2,010 Posts Drives: M235i, 20k miles Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	. Attached Images __________________ ///M235i \| Mineral Grey Metallic \| Premium Package \| Technology Package \| Driver Assistance Package \| Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather \| Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system \| 8-speed automatic When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser
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07-25-2023, 05:14 AM	#1160
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot? A bite in shining armour.
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07-25-2023, 02:58 PM	#1161
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet. No word yet.
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07-31-2023, 02:46 PM	#1163
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I do all mathematical addition in my head. It's the thought that counts.
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08-03-2023, 06:18 AM	#1164
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	A lorry has overturned on the M25 orbital motorway containing Vicks vapour rub. Cops have said there will be no congestion for six hours.
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08-08-2023, 04:23 PM	#1165
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4123 Rep 273 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I just saw a guy collapse on the airport luggage carousel! I believe he is fine as he's slowly coming around.
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08-11-2023, 12:02 PM	#1166
M5Rick General 60092 Rep 19,565 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: Southern England iTrader: (0)	Cops pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder on the motorway today. Apparently its not the place to play a keyboard.
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