The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[aguywalksintoabar]

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

[aguywalksintoabar]

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.

[aguywalksintoabar]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

[aguywalksintoabar]

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

[aguywalksintoabar]

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

[aguywalksintoabar]

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

[aguywalksintoabar]

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

[Dino GT]

What did the police find when they dusted Chris Rock's face?
Fresh prints.

[Dino GT]

And old man walks into a jewelry store on a Friday afternoon with a very beautiful young woman. He tells the jeweler behind the counter that he would like to buy a very special ring.
The jeweler shows him a $5000.00 ring. The old man says, no, I want something extra special. The jeweler goes to the safe and takes out a $50.000.00 ring. The young woman's eyes instantly lid up. The old man seing that says, I'll take it.
The jeweler asks, how are you paying? The old man says, I'll write a cheque. The jeweler explained to the old man that he can't take the ring until the cheque clears. The old man says, that's fine, I'll pick it up on Monday.
On Monday morning an angry jeweler calls the old man saying that his cheque bounced.
I know, said the old man, but you wouldn't believe the weekend I had.

[KRS_SN]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese

[M5Rick]

I've just returned from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday...
I'll tell you what---never again.

[Dino GT]

What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.

[Dino GT]

This couple 25th anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks and the wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So the husband bought her a magazine rack.

[Dino GT]

A very attractive woman walks into a casino and bets $20.000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I play topless. So she took her shirt off and yelled....come on, this girl needs some new clothes.
As the dice tumbled around and came to a stop, she jumped up and down and yelled. Yes, yes, yes I won!
She hugs both the dealers, picks up the dice, her winnings and her shirt and quickly leaves.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one asked, what did she roll? The other answered, I didn't see, I thought you were watching.

[aguywalksintoabar]

There was Daddy Balloon, Mommy Balloon and little Baby Balloon.

Every night Baby Balloon would sleep snugly between Mommy and
Daddy Balloon until, one night, Daddy Balloon said to Baby Balloon…

"Now son, we want to be proud of you, you're growing up and
it's about time you slept all night in your own bed…will you do that
for us?"

Baby Balloon sniffled and cried a little but agreed and so Daddy Balloon
took Baby Balloon to his little bed and tucked him up for the night…
Once again Daddy Balloon said…

"Both Mommy Ballon and I want to be proud of you…so please stay
in your own bed until morning"

Daddy Balloon goes back to bed…but just one hour later…Baby Balloon
climbs out of his bed and tries to squeeze into Mommy and Daddy
Balloon's bed…but, try as he might, he can't get in…so he takes
Daddy Balloon's nozzle and let's some air out…but he still can't
squeeze in…so he goes around to Mommy Balloon's side of the bed,
takes her nozzle and let's some of her air out…he STILL can't quite
squeeze in…SO…Baby Balloon takes his own nozzle and lets some
of his own air out…and…AT LAST he manages to squeeze in and
nestle down between Mommy and Daddy Balloon

When they all wake up in the morning…Daddy Balloon sees
Baby Balloon and becomes rather angry…he says…

"Look Baby Balloon…I asked you to stay in your OWN bed all night
so we could be proud of you and here you are back in OUR bed!!"

Baby Balloon says:

"Sorry Daddy"

then Daddy Ballon says…

"It's just NOT good enough son…

…You've let ME down

….You've let your MOTHER down

…but MOST of all…you've let YOURSELF down"

[M5Rick]

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Dino GT]

A police officer was sitting on the side of the road doing a speed check when an old car with 5 old ladies drives by really slow. He thought that can be very dangerous for them to be driving so slow on that road, so the police officer turns on his siren and lights and off he goes. It took just a minute to catch them. He pulls up behind them and the old lady pulls over. He walks up to the car and the old lady rolls the window down and says, officer what's wrong? He said, well ma'am, you weren't doing the speed limit, she said, I was doing the speed limit, I always do the speed limit and the sign said 22 and I was doing exactly 22, and he said, ma'am that's the road sign you are on. He looked over in the back seat and the front passenger seat and the rest of the old ladies were white and shaking, he said, ma'am, what's wrong with your friends? And she said, well officer we just got off route 129.

[BMWGUYinCO]

My new girlfriend works at the zoo.

I think she's a keeper.

[3.0L]

Monday morning little Johnny came to school with a black eye.

His friends ask him what happened. He tells them, "I was in church yesterday, when a big fat lady sat in front of me.
When we got up to sing, I noticed she had huge wedgies. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I pulled it out, and she decked me".

The following Monday, little Johnny came to school with 2 black eyes. His friends once again asked what happened.
He told them, "I was in church yesterday, when the same fat lady came and sat in front of me. When we got up to sing, she
once again had the huge wedgies. The guy next to me pulled it out, but I knew she didn't like it out, so I pushed it back in."

[KRS_SN]

A chap presents his girlfriend with a dozen red roses. Impressed with this devotion, the lady removes all her clothes and lies on the bed with her legs open, announcing seductively: "This is for the roses."

"Oh, don't be silly - we must have a vase somewhere..."

[KRS_SN]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t tell her husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: “Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches” and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid’s bed and switched the lights off.

When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?”

And then she switched on the light. “No ma’am.” said the Gardener.

[Savageenterprise]

Originally Posted by aguywalksintoabar

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

This is hilarious and simple