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10-14-2024, 03:37 PM | #1475 |
Recovering Perfectionist
19854
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My DW was at the grocery store this morning, and saw a guy load 30 gallon jugs of milk into his shopping cart.
When she came home, she asked me what someone could possibly need 30 gallons of milk for? I told her that he was probably a cereal killer.....
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10-14-2024, 04:18 PM | #1476 |
Private First Class
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Last bad joke for today.....
THE DEAD DUCK A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully. A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“ The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry. “Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes. “Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“ “But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.” The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room. A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head. The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room. A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room. The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“ The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“
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Yesterday, 12:33 PM | #1477 |
Private
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A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?" The rabbit replied "I dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect." |
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Today, 04:29 AM | #1478 |
Captain
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Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499 Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator. Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator. Q. It’s the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why? A. The giraffe, he’s in the refrigerator. Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. How? A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party. Q. Sally dies anyway, why? A. She is hit in the head by a brick.
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Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before!
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Today, 07:57 AM | #1479 |
Second Lieutenant
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My last house had ceilings that were only 5 feet high.
I couldn't stand living in that place. |
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Today, 10:25 AM | #1480 |
Colonel
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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
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