The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[vreihen16]

My DW was at the grocery store this morning, and saw a guy load 30 gallon jugs of milk into his shopping cart.

When she came home, she asked me what someone could possibly need 30 gallons of milk for?

I told her that he was probably a cereal killer.....

[MassWholeBimmer]

Last bad joke for today.....

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

[JeffL0]

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?"
The rabbit replied "I dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

[Buug959]

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator.

Q. It’s the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why?

A. The giraffe, he’s in the refrigerator.

Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. How?

A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party.

Q. Sally dies anyway, why?

A. She is hit in the head by a brick.

[BMWGUYinCO]

My last house had ceilings that were only 5 feet high.

I couldn't stand living in that place.

[3.0L]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

[Esteban]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.

[Pauly Wauly]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey, and he wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work for him at his age. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the garden for me like in the old days. Love, Papa.

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Papa, don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBl agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.

[3.0L]

Immediate opening for apprentice baiter. Guaranteed promotion to
master baiter after 6 months of successful service.

[Buug959]

TP

[Buug959]

A blonde is sitting in a bar wondering why she only has three sisters when her brother has four.

[Esteban]

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[3.0L]

What’s the biggest lie in the entire universe?

“I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

[Esteban]

A nurse takes a rectal thermometer from her pocket and says, "some asshole has my pen."

[wizardofOz]

Today I asked Siri: "Siri, why am I still single?”

Siri activated the front camera.

[wizardofOz]

What are the three shortest words in the English language?

Is it in?

[Esteban]

How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.

[vreihen16]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.

Bud says "man, I wish we had something to drink."

Jim says "Me, too."

"I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple glasses of high flying hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great! No hangover, no bad side effects, nothing.

Then the phone rings and it's Jim. Jim says "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says "I feel great! How about you?"

Jim says "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says "No. That jet fuel is great stuff. No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Well yeah, but there's just one thing. Have you farted yet?"

Bud says no.

"Well don't, cause I'm in Phoenix!!!!!"

[JeffL0]

The Bathtub Test

[Buug959]

A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down.
About a mile down the road, she came to an old farmhouse. Two elderly men came out.

“Can we help ya, miss?”

“Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?”

“The town’s all shut up right now, but we can take you in the morning. You can spend the night with us.”

The woman thought: “Well, I really don’t have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself.” So she agreed.

“You know, miss, we’ve only got one bed in this house, so you’ll have to sleep with us…”

The woman thought to herself that she liked the look of these two country boys, and consented to sleep with them.

As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said,

“By the way, you DO have protection, don’t you?”

“Protection? What’s that?”

“You know, cond0ms.”

“Well, what’re they for?”

“It’s so I don’t get pregnant.”

“We’re simple country folk, miss. I’m afraid we don’t know about those things.”

“Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on.”

“Hmm… well, alright,” they said.

The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired, blew them a kiss, and drove off.

About a month later, the two elderly brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sunset, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. Suddenly, one of them turns to the other and says

“Ed, do you remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?”

“Yep. She was really good, wasn’t she?”

“Yep.”

Say, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

“Not really.”

“Well, then, let’s take these darn things off!”

[Esteban]

.

[3.0L]

One day, the teacher asked her class 'What vegetable makes you cry?'

Little Johnny replies "a turnip".

"No Johnny' says the teacher, "Onions make you cry, not turnips"

"No Miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"