The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

PP

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Buug959

PP

[Esteban]

What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?

“Want to see if it fits?”

[vreihen16]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!!!!!

[Esteban]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[Llarry]

I was planning on being a safe driver, but if my insurance company is going to charge me like I'm a street racer, I might as well get my money's worth.

[hubbahubba]

An old farmer takes his truck into town to the mechanic for a repair. The mechanic tells him that he is swamped, but if he left it overnight, it would be ready for him to pick up in the morning. The farmer agrees, and started his walk home.

On his walk he passes a hardware store, and stops in and purchases a gallon of paint and a 5 gallon bucket, and continues on his way. Then he walks over to the farm supply store and purchases 2 chickens and a goose. Realizing how much he has to carry on the rest of his walk home he begins to stress about it and asks the cashier what he should do. The cashier says, "That's easy, just put the paint in the bucket, a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other arm." The farmer says, "That's genius", and continues on his way as directed.

Continuing his walk he comes across a little old lady who is crying and obviously in distress. He asks her what's wrong, and she says she is lost and can he help her find 424 Elm Street. The farmer agrees, and says "I am going right by there, just follow me". Off they go. They come to an alley, and the farmer says that they are going to take a shortcut through the alley. The old lady says, "oh no, you could get me down there with nobody around and have your way with me". The farmer says "That's ridiculous! How would I do that with all this stuff I'm carrying?" The old lady says "That's easy, you put the goose on the ground and cover it with the bucket, drop the paint, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Esteban]

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[3.0L]

Teacher asks class to make a sentence using the word, “Fascinate.”

Little Johnny raises his hand.

Teacher: “Yes, Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “My Aunt has a 10 button blouse, but can only fascinate because she has really big tits.”

[Buug959]

ML

[Buug959]

VG

[3.0L]

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish.
Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

[Pauly Wauly]

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders two shots, drinks them both and then leaves.

The next day the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

He continues to do this for some time, then one day the bartender questions him. How come you always order two shots?

The Irishman replies. Well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night I order two drinks. One for myself and one for my brother.

Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him. How come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?

The Irishman replies. Of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking.

[Dégoûté]

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief, said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956...” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

[Esteban]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. “I’d like some Chapstick," he tells the pharmacist. “How are you going to pay for that?” the pharmacist asks. The duck replies “just put it on my bill."

A little while later, another duck comes into the pharmacy and approaches the counter. “I’d like a pack of condoms, please,” says the duck. “Certainly,” says the pharmacist. “Shall I put that on your bill?” “What kind of a duck do you think I am?!”

[JeffL0]

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?"

The librarian replied, "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

[3.0L]

One Saturday, Peter comes home tired and five hours late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?” Peter says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”

Peter’s wife says, “OMG! That’s terrible!” Peter says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . .”

[Buug959]

What is the best time on the clock?



6:30 Hands down.

[3.0L]

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir.

He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them.

A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon.

The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

[Buug959]

M1

[KRS_SN]

...I was on the train and this woman opposite looked at me and said: "Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place."

I asked with a great interest: " Are you single?"

She replied: " No. I am a dentist!"

[MassWholeBimmer]

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