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      09-02-2024, 04:51 PM   #1431
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
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      09-03-2024, 12:57 PM   #1432
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Last night I dreamt I was weightless. I was like 0mg.
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      09-04-2024, 04:52 PM   #1433
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I had 12 bottles of whiskey and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which l drank.
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      09-04-2024, 05:20 PM   #1434
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buug959 View Post
I had 12 bottles of whiskey and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass… which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass… which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again… they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork… which l drank.
I don`t understand half of the joke.... I think I`m drunk
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      09-06-2024, 07:12 AM   #1435
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What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

Disgruntled.
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      09-06-2024, 07:13 AM   #1436
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How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.
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      09-06-2024, 07:15 AM   #1437
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Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the results were staggering.
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      09-06-2024, 08:39 AM   #1438
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I was asked if people on the autistic spectrum took things literally and I said, no , that’s kleptomaniacs
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      09-06-2024, 04:52 PM   #1439
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buug959 View Post
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.
Little Johnny dresses up as a pirate, then goes Trick or Treating.

Man: Oh what a nice costume! Where’s your buccaneers?

Little Johnny: Under my buccan hat!
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      09-07-2024, 07:26 AM   #1440
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Sheikh's son went for higher studies in Germany. After a month, he wrote a letter to his father.

"Dad, Berlin is a very beautiful city, and the people are very kind to me, I feel odd when I arrive at the university in my Ferrari while my professors arrive by train."

Dad replies- "Buy yourself a train, my son, and don't embarrass us" check for twenty million dollars attached.
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      09-07-2024, 10:04 AM   #1441
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Sign over airport urinal

Pilots with low manifold pressure and short
pitot tube please taxi up close.
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      09-07-2024, 02:40 PM   #1442
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Q. What do you call an Italian hooker?

A. A pasta-tute.
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      09-08-2024, 09:38 AM   #1443
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Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke that was posted not long ago?

It was about a week back.
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      09-08-2024, 09:40 AM   #1444
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A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walked into a bar.

The bartender asked the rabbit: "What will you all have?"

The rabbit says " I don't know! I am only here because of autocorrect."
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      09-08-2024, 10:52 AM   #1445
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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
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      09-10-2024, 09:24 AM   #1446
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Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

It’s because they’re so good at it.
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      09-10-2024, 10:48 AM   #1447
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Q. What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'?

A. About three inches.
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      09-12-2024, 08:05 PM   #1448
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Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
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      09-14-2024, 03:39 PM   #1449
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I was out for a couple last night and one of the local craft breweries has a new glass...
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      09-15-2024, 07:04 AM   #1450
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Pete, the serial flasher, was thinking about retiring but he's going to stick it out for another year.
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      09-20-2024, 05:58 PM   #1451
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Two guys are sitting at a bar, having a drink together.

1st guy: “I think Joe the bartender is having an affair with my wife.”
2nd guy: “How do you know that?”
1st guy: “Because he is so miserable.”
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      09-21-2024, 07:06 AM   #1452
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peanuts
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