The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Gemini562]

How can you tell if someone owns a BMW?
Don't worry, they'll tell you within the first minute of meeting them!

[Esteban]

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"

The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

[thebmw]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[JeffL0]

The toughest part about how I want to die…
…is deciding if the coroner should list the cause of death as assfixiation or muffocation.

[Llarry]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway yesterday, losing the entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless and perplexed.

[Buug959]

UP

[Buug959]

RP

[Esteban]

You think your life is worthless? Imagine, in the BMW-factory in Germany, there is a man having as a job to verify the blinkers work.

[ezaircon4jc]

We're on the Jungle Cruise at PedoLand, er, Disneyland. We get past the tiger that can jump 25' (that's OK, we're 15' away) and are in that "dead" zone of just foliage just before the lost safari on the pole. The guide tells us that hidden in that foliage is the world's most dangerous animal that only comes out at night, "a cougar with a lot of money!" The kids didn't get it, but we adults did!

[Esteban]

NEVER LOSE YOUR GRANDSON

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

[KRS_SN]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years."

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

Took me a moment…

[Llarry]

Just because you can connect to your neighbor's bluetooth speaker and play ghost noises doesn't mean that you should.

[vreihen16]

The couple's once-happy married life nearly hit the rocks due to the constant presence of old Aunt Emma in their household. For seventeen long years, she lived with them, perpetually crotchety and demanding.

Eventually, Aunt Emma passed away. On their way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife stared at him in shock. "MY Aunt Emma!" she exclaimed. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"

[redsportt]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Two drunks sitting on the curb in front of a bar:

Drunk #1: "Hey man."

Drunk #2: "Yeah?"

Drunk #1: "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Drunk #2: "Yeah."

Drunk #1: "Man, I'll bet that hurt!"

that joke must be about 50 years old.......

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Esteban

You think your life is worthless? Imagine, in the BMW-factory in Germany, there is a man having as a job to verify the blinkers work.

.

[Buug959]

Today I took the helmet off my racing snail to see it he'd be any faster. It didn't work. He seems a lot more sluggish now.

[Buug959]

I first noticed I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

[JimmyJazz]

What is it called whe your appendix is removed?
Appendectomy.
What is it called when your gallbladder is removed?
Cholecystectomy.
What is it called when your tonsils are removed?
Tonsillectomy.
What is it called when a woman has a sex change?
Adadicktomy.

[Esteban]

For Latin Geeks

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks "don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

[3.0L]

A dad was helping his son fly a kite out in front of their house. The boy
would release and the dad would run. Over and over again, the kite would
spin to the ground. Mom was watching from the open kitchen window.

Mom: “You need more tail!”

Dad: “You know son, I’ll never understand your mom. Just last night I
said I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite.”

[Esteban]

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.

What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.

What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?