The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Buug959

People will be shocked when they discover how bad an electrician I am.

I blew a fuse when it dawned on me.

[Esteban]

Nice to see you posting again Soul_Glo.

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

Well I missed y'all a latte and can’t espresso how excited I am! The Jaguar F pace dream ended. The F pace forum was dry anyway. I went back to a BMW last week... life is hectic so will log in when I can. You well? Hope so.

Wait, we have to own a BMW to post????

[KRS_SN]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[Esteban]

Some St. Paddy's Day jokes:

What is a leprechaun’s favorite type of music?
Sham-rock ‘n’ roll.

What do you call an Irish spider?
Paddy long legs.

What do you call a fake Irish diamond?
A shamrock.

When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?
When it’s a French fry.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Erin.
Erin who?
Erin as fast as I could, but I couldn’t catch the leprechaun.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter.

[CamasM3e93]

There was a snake crawling out of my face last night.

The good news is that I killed it.

The bad news is that I need a new CPAP hose.

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by CamasM3e93

There was a snake crawling out of my face last night.

The good news is that I killed it.

The bad news is that I need a new CPAP hose.

Im lying by the poolside in speedos. A mosquito sits on my upper inner thigh and starts to bite....
I raise my hand to hit it but missed aim and hit my balls instead. Aaaasrgh....The mosquito must have LOL.

[M5Rick]

Does a tire fitter retire every day?

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

Must be flat and tired.

Deflated by end of the day.

[Esteban]

Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

[KRS_SN]

It was a custody hearing. The child was a teenager and able to express his own opnion.

He didn''t want to live with his mother as she was prone to thrashing him.

What about the father then ? Sorry, he beat me too.

Any other relatives ? Only an aunt and she beat him harder than his parents.

The judge committed the lad to the care of the England football team, as he was satisfied they would never beat anyone

[Esteban]

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys said, “of course I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N" she answered.

[M5Rick]

A chap returned to the hotel he was staying at after a drinking session in a pub and went to the front desk telling the receptionist he doesn't remember what room he's in.
She replied ''No problem, you're in the lobby''.

[Buug959]

Life is like a penis.
It's short.
It hangs out.
It's simple.

And then a woman makes it hard.

[Esteban]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog. He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender “this is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender said “all right. What is 10+11+13.”

The dog said “34.” "Wow, he got it right." said the bartender. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.

Then the guy said “don’t let my dog go anywhere, I have to use the bathroom.”

So he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says “if your so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn’t see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy “the dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says "what are you doing? You have never done this before.”

The dog says “I have never had 5 dollars before either.”

[Buug959]

I

[Buug959]

Did you hear about the man who was visited by a clock?

No, I didn't. What happened?

His time had come.

[Esteban]

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

He stands in the middle of the bar, takes the dog by the collar, and starts swinging him in a circle.

Everyone stops and stares.

Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands “what the hell are you doing?”

The blind man turns toward the patron and says “oh, nothing, just having a look around."

[M5Rick]

What will you find on an electric bus?
A conductor.

[Buug959]

Do you know the real reason married men wind up having dad bods is because when they were single they would go to the fridge, see nothing that they wanted and go to bed.
Now that they're married, they go to bed, see nothing that they want and go to the fridge.

[ezaircon4jc]

Men make mistakes. Married men just find out sooner.

[KRS_SN]

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”