The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[NickyC]

Did you all hear about that cheese factory in France which exploded?

There's nothing left but Da Brie.

[aguywalksintoabar]

:

[aguywalksintoabar]

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

[M5Rick]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay.
He woke up.

[Dino GT]

This lady died suddenly on a business trip to Jerusalem. The funeral home contacted the husband and explained to him what his options were. They told him that it would cost $50.000.00 to send her back home to the US or $5000.00 for her to be buried in Jerusalem. The husband thought about it for a few seconds and said, ship her home. The man on the other end said, but Sir, why don't you want your wife to be buried in the holy land? It would be a lot cheaper too. The husband says, a long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance,

[KRS_SN]

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is

[M5Rick]

Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.

[Lady Jane]

Getting married around the World.


The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......

[aguywalksintoabar]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun smiled and once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the grip is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ''Go forth and seek, further up,thy you will find glory''

[Dino GT]

An 80 year old man is sitting on a park bench crying when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong?
See, I'm in love with a 25 year old woman says the old man. Well, what's wrong with that? Asks the young man.
You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work we have sex, and then she comes home for lunch and we have sex again and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets her break she rushes home and gives me the best time any man would want. And then after supper we have sex all night long.
The young man puts his hand on the old mens shoulder and says. I don't understand, it sounds like you have the perfect relationship, why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?
The old man starts crying and says, I can't remember where I live!

[BMWGUYinCO]

My car is only working every other day....I think it's the alternator.

[KRS_SN]

A priest a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit."

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

A priest a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit."

[M5Rick]

Where do sheep get their hair cut?
In the baa baa shop.

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

It's supposed to be rabbi instead of rabbit hence a Typo :-)

[cmyx6go]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

A typo as in the rabbit should be a rabbi?

Whoops, KRS-SN beat me to it. NOT quick enough.

[sygazelle]

Gilbert didn't die of a heart condition. He was found guilty of murdering jokes and got sent to the electric chair where he gott fried.

Too soon?

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

A typo as in the rabbit should be a rabbi?

Whoops, KRS-SN beat me to it. NOT quick enough.

..and I was thinking it was a bit of rabbit rabbit

[cmyx6go]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[aguywalksintoabar]

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

[3.0L]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"Do you wanna buy a baseball?" asks the little boy.
"No, thank you," the man replies.
"I think you do wanna buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
After considering the position he's in, the man says, "Fine. How much?"
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway. Again, the woman places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the little boy starts off.
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"Do you wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
Realizing his disadvantage, the hiding lover replies, "Sure. How much?"
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The following weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," the little boy replies.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of trading cards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You are going to confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father says as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!

[Lady Jane]

A man walks in the psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran-Wrap.

" I can plainly see you're nuts."