New Ytest
Sign out
Bimmerpost
Login
BMW E39 5-Series Forum | 5Post.com
BMW Garage BMW Meets Register Today's Posts  
Go Back   BMW E39 5-Series Forum | 5Post.com > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board

Post Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      04-11-2022, 09:43 PM   #111
NickyC
Lieutenant General
NickyC's Avatar
19171
Rep
11,175
Posts

 
Drives: M4 CS. Former G82, x2 F82, F80
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Jacked out of my mind

iTrader: (23)

Did you all hear about that cheese factory in France which exploded?

There's nothing left but Da Brie.
Appreciate 9
Esteban53169.00
M5Rick68100.00
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
Dino GT35068.00
ggunn9160.00
KRS_SN14587.50
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
      04-12-2022, 01:11 AM   #112
aguywalksintoabar
Banned
United_States
1691
Rep
83
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: Location

iTrader: (0)

:
Appreciate 1
NickyC19170.50
      04-12-2022, 01:14 AM   #113
aguywalksintoabar
Banned
United_States
1691
Rep
83
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: Location

iTrader: (0)

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
Appreciate 8
Esteban53169.00
M5Rick68100.00
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
ggunn9160.00
3.0L10697.00
NickyC19170.50
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
      04-12-2022, 02:09 AM   #114
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
68100
Rep
21,957
Posts

 
Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: GB

iTrader: (0)

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay.
He woke up.
Appreciate 11
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
ggunn9160.00
KRS_SN14587.50
Esteban53169.00
3.0L10697.00
vreihen1620151.00
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
antgenn341.00
      04-12-2022, 08:04 AM   #115
Dino GT
Enlisted Member
35068
Rep
45
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Eastern

iTrader: (0)

This lady died suddenly on a business trip to Jerusalem. The funeral home contacted the husband and explained to him what his options were. They told him that it would cost $50.000.00 to send her back home to the US or $5000.00 for her to be buried in Jerusalem. The husband thought about it for a few seconds and said, ship her home. The man on the other end said, but Sir, why don't you want your wife to be buried in the holy land? It would be a lot cheaper too. The husband says, a long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance,
Appreciate 9
cmyx6go16734.00
Dpc2u11486.00
NickyC19170.50
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
KRS_SN14587.50
Esteban53169.00
vreihen1620151.00
Suds1626.00
      04-12-2022, 10:05 AM   #116
KRS_SN
Major General
KRS_SN's Avatar
United Kingdom
14588
Rep
5,508
Posts

 
Drives: IX,G07
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2020 X7  [10.00]
X5  [9.25]
IX  [8.67]
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
Appreciate 8
Mandi90TT2711.00
Dpc2u11486.00
Buug95922678.00
NickyC19170.50
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
antgenn341.00
      04-13-2022, 04:09 AM   #117
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
68100
Rep
21,957
Posts

 
Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: GB

iTrader: (0)

Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.
Appreciate 2
Dpc2u11486.00
      04-13-2022, 06:19 AM   #118
Lady Jane
Cailín gan eagla.
Lady Jane's Avatar
Canada
81008
Rep
1,047
Posts

 
Drives: 2024 X3 M40i and R1200RT bike.
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Atlantic Canada.

iTrader: (0)

Getting married around the World.


The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......

Name:  83297206.jpg
Views: 1421
Size:  25.6 KB
Appreciate 3
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
Buug95922678.00
Suds1626.00
      04-13-2022, 08:58 AM   #119
aguywalksintoabar
Banned
United_States
1691
Rep
83
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: Location

iTrader: (0)

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg instead of gear.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun smiled and once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the grip is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ''Go forth and seek, further up,thy you will find glory''
Appreciate 3
KRS_SN14587.50
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
      04-13-2022, 09:01 AM   #120
Dino GT
Enlisted Member
35068
Rep
45
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Eastern

iTrader: (0)

An 80 year old man is sitting on a park bench crying when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong?
See, I'm in love with a 25 year old woman says the old man. Well, what's wrong with that? Asks the young man.
You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work we have sex, and then she comes home for lunch and we have sex again and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets her break she rushes home and gives me the best time any man would want. And then after supper we have sex all night long.
The young man puts his hand on the old mens shoulder and says. I don't understand, it sounds like you have the perfect relationship, why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?
The old man starts crying and says, I can't remember where I live!
Appreciate 4
KRS_SN14587.50
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
      04-13-2022, 09:08 AM   #121
BMWGUYinCO
Second Lieutenant
BMWGUYinCO's Avatar
4323
Rep
284
Posts

 
Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Colorado

iTrader: (0)

My car is only working every other day....I think it's the alternator.
Appreciate 5
KRS_SN14587.50
M5Rick68100.00
Esteban53169.00
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
      04-13-2022, 09:27 AM   #122
KRS_SN
Major General
KRS_SN's Avatar
United Kingdom
14588
Rep
5,508
Posts

 
Drives: IX,G07
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2020 X7  [10.00]
X5  [9.25]
IX  [8.67]
A priest a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit."
Appreciate 10
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
Lady Jane81008.00
Esteban53169.00
vreihen1620151.00
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
Mandi90TT2711.00
Kilabyte3965.00
Maynard4175.50
      04-13-2022, 11:11 AM   #123
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
68100
Rep
21,957
Posts

 
Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: GB

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by KRS_SN View Post
A priest a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit."
Appreciate 0
      04-13-2022, 11:12 AM   #124
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
68100
Rep
21,957
Posts

 
Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: GB

iTrader: (0)

Where do sheep get their hair cut?
In the baa baa shop.
Appreciate 5
KRS_SN14587.50
Esteban53169.00
Dpc2u11486.00
      04-13-2022, 11:18 AM   #125
KRS_SN
Major General
KRS_SN's Avatar
United Kingdom
14588
Rep
5,508
Posts

 
Drives: IX,G07
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Glasgow

iTrader: (0)

Garage List
2020 X7  [10.00]
X5  [9.25]
IX  [8.67]
Quote:
Originally Posted by M5Rick View Post
It's supposed to be rabbi instead of rabbit hence a Typo :-)
Appreciate 1
M5Rick68100.00
      04-13-2022, 11:44 AM   #126
cmyx6go
Colonel
cmyx6go's Avatar
16734
Rep
2,085
Posts

 
Drives: 2022 X6///M Comp
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: NYC

iTrader: (2)

Garage List
2019 X6 ///M  [10.00]
Quote:
Originally Posted by M5Rick View Post
A typo as in the rabbit should be a rabbi?

Whoops, KRS-SN beat me to it. NOT quick enough.
__________________
I thought I was a good person but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise
Appreciate 2
KRS_SN14587.50
M5Rick68100.00
      04-13-2022, 11:56 AM   #127
sygazelle
Brigadier General
12974
Rep
3,438
Posts

 
Drives: 2014 328i M-Sport, 2019 X5 40i
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: San Francisco

iTrader: (0)

Gilbert didn't die of a heart condition. He was found guilty of murdering jokes and got sent to the electric chair where he gott fried.

Too soon?
Appreciate 5
cmyx6go16734.00
M5Rick68100.00
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
vreihen1620151.00
Buug95922678.00
      04-13-2022, 12:19 PM   #128
M5Rick
General
M5Rick's Avatar
68100
Rep
21,957
Posts

 
Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: GB

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmyx6go View Post
A typo as in the rabbit should be a rabbi?

Whoops, KRS-SN beat me to it. NOT quick enough.
..and I was thinking it was a bit of rabbit rabbit
Appreciate 0
      04-13-2022, 02:52 PM   #129
cmyx6go
Colonel
cmyx6go's Avatar
16734
Rep
2,085
Posts

 
Drives: 2022 X6///M Comp
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: NYC

iTrader: (2)

Garage List
2019 X6 ///M  [10.00]
A boy in confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
__________________
I thought I was a good person but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise
Appreciate 11
Esteban53169.00
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
Dino GT35068.00
vreihen1620151.00
KRS_SN14587.50
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
2000cs3854.00
M5Rick68100.00
      04-13-2022, 04:06 PM   #130
aguywalksintoabar
Banned
United_States
1691
Rep
83
Posts

 
Drives: BMW
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: Location

iTrader: (0)

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Appreciate 2
KRS_SN14587.50
M5Rick68100.00
      04-13-2022, 09:02 PM   #131
3.0L
Colonel
3.0L's Avatar
10697
Rep
2,011
Posts

 
Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: California

iTrader: (0)

It sure is dark in here

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"Do you wanna buy a baseball?" asks the little boy.
"No, thank you," the man replies.
"I think you do wanna buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
After considering the position he's in, the man says, "Fine. How much?"
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway. Again, the woman places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It sure is dark in here, isn't it?" the little boy starts off.
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"Do you wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
Realizing his disadvantage, the hiding lover replies, "Sure. How much?"
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The following weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," the little boy replies.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of trading cards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You are going to confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father says as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says!
__________________
2014 BMW M235i
2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300

Expert ultracrepidarian
Appreciate 9
Esteban53169.00
KRS_SN14587.50
Buug95922678.00
Dpc2u11486.00
Mandi90TT2711.00
Dino GT35068.00
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
M5Rick68100.00
UncleWede18393.00
      04-14-2022, 06:48 AM   #132
Lady Jane
Cailín gan eagla.
Lady Jane's Avatar
Canada
81008
Rep
1,047
Posts

 
Drives: 2024 X3 M40i and R1200RT bike.
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Atlantic Canada.

iTrader: (0)

A man walks in the psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran-Wrap.

" I can plainly see you're nuts."
Appreciate 2
BMWGUYinCO4323.00
Buug95922678.00
Post Reply

Bookmarks


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:23 AM.




5post
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST