The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

While visiting a retirement community an elderly couple decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
The man approached a clerk saying ''I'm looking for my wife, she has white hair and is wearing white shoes''.
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded ''Take your pick''.

[Buug959]

.

[M5Rick]

Knock Knock. Who's there? Radio. Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!

[Esteban]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"Can you smell carrots?"

[M5Rick]

I say I say, the wife's had an accident on a volcano,
Krakatoa?
No she broke her leg.

[Esteban]

Bickering with your wife is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

[M5Rick]

How are UFO's related to hamburgers?
Both are Unidentified Frying Objects.

[Buug959]

What do you call a factory that makes ok products?



A Satisfactory.

[Buug959]

How many alzheimer patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



To get to the other side.

[Buug959]

How do you think the unthinkable?



With an iceberg.

[vreihen16]

With an ithberg?????

[Llarry]

Washington D.C.'s newspaper the Washington Post publishes a humor contest every week on Sunday and when I lived in Maryland it was the #1 thing I would read. Here's one:

Rules: Take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition. The winners:
-- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
-- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
-- Bozone: The layer surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
-- Foreploy: A misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
-- Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
-- Giraffiti: Vandalism sprayed very, very high.
-- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when running late.
-- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
-- Karmageddon: Like, when everyone is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
-- Decafolong: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
-- Glibido: All talk and no action.
-- Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
-- Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidently walked through a spider web.
-- Catepallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
-- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[BMWGUYinCO]

My wife says she wants more privacy.

It says so in her diary!

[Lady Jane]

I've been trying to see my doctor for months about an embarrassing rash on my genitals. I finally saw her yesterday and showed her the problem, she completely ignored me and continued to push her cart around Costco...

[Buug959]

A blonde was recently fired from her cashier job, because she kept stealing money from the register. She went looking for work the next day.

A few days later, she came to a man who needed someone. “I’m here for the paint job”, the blonde said eagerly. “Alright. Take this paint and brush, and go paint my backyard porch”, replied the man.

The blonde immediately started painting. After she was done, she decided to do a second coat. When she was finished, she went to the man to get her pay.

“I finished it, and did a second coating too! By the way, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a new BMW”.

[M5Rick]

A Kentucky state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on a main road and says to the driver "Got any ID?"
Truck driver replies, "Bout what?"

[Esteban]

A guy asked a girl at the library, "do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered in an extra loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All of the people in the library started staring at the guy & he was VERY embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl quietly walked to the guy's table and told him, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed?"

The guy responded with an equally loud voice, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT! THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"

And again all the people in the library looked at them in shock. The guy then leaned over and whispered to her, "I study Law and I know how to make people look guilty!!!"

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Esteban

A guy asked a girl at the library, "do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered in an extra loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All of the people in the library started staring at the guy & he was VERY embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl quietly walked to the guy's table and told him, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed?"

The guy responded with an equally loud voice, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT! THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"

And again all the people in the library looked at them in shock. The guy then leaned over and whispered to her, "I study Law and I know how to make people look guilty!!!"

We had a version of that joke going around while I was in high school, except the price was $50.00.

[BMWGUYinCO]

My neighbor stole my socks.

I wanted to confront him, but I got cold feet.

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

We had a version of that joke going around while I was in high school, except the price was $50.00.

Inflation hits most all goods and services, even this, I'm gathering.

[3.0L]

And beyond those high school jokes were the endless cut-low sessions. That got real old after a while.

[Llarry]

I went in to Burger King today.

The employee at the counter was a woman who had a tag on her left breast that said PAT...

To make a long story short, I'm now banned from Burger King.