The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
''Olive or Twist'

[Esteban]

What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

[3.0L]

Two drunks stagger out of a bar and sit on the curb.

Drunk #1: Hey man, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

Drunk #2: Yeah.

Drunk #1: Man, I'll bet that hurt!

[Buug959]

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a super hero and the other's a command.

[Buug959]

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket
line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a
limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it.
He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really
long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks
him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and
there's no punchline.

[Esteban]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

[ezaircon4jc]

If you don't C# you'll Bb.

[Llarry]

Young Eddie moved to Florida from New Jersey and went to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The manager asked him "Do you have any sales experience?"

"I sold vacuum cleaners back in Jersey."

The manager was doubtful, but the kid seemed nice and he figured he'd give Eddie a shot. "You'll start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how it went."

Eddie's first day on the job was rough, but he made it through. After the store was locked up for the night, the boss came by the sales floor and asked Eddie "How many customers bought something from you today?"

Eddie looked down and softly said "One."

"Just one?!?" said the manager. "Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers each day! You will have to get with it if you want to continue your employment here. This is Florida and we have very strict standards for our sales force here!"

Eddie continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt a bit bad about chewing him out on his very first day and said "So how much was your one sale for?"

Eddie looked up and said "$131,265.35."

The manager was astonished and said "$131,265.35?!? What the heck did you sell?"

"Well, first I sold him some fish hooks. Then I sold him a fishing rod to go with the hooks. I asked him where he was going to go fishing and he said down the coast, so I took him over to the boat department and sold him a new boat with a trailer. Then we figured out he needed a truck to pull the trailer and boat so I took him over to automotive and sold him a new four-wheel drive pickup."

The boss said "He came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat AND a truck?!?"

Eddie said "No, actually the guy came in to buy tampons for his wife and I said "Dude, your weekend is shot; you might as well go fishing."

[M5Rick]

Did you hear about a new electric car from Germany?

It's called a Voltswagen.

[M5Rick]

Why are graveyards so noisy..?

Because of all the coffin.

[Buug959]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?


Beer nuts are $3.59/pkg while deer nuts are under a buck.

[Buug959]

How do New Zealanders find sheep in tall grass?

Irresistible.

[Esteban]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

[M5Rick]

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the book store, under ''Fiction''.

[Buug959]

Where do you find a cow with no legs?


Wherever you left it.

[Esteban]

Short winter jokes

1. How do snowmen read their texts?

With an icy stare.

2. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?

A snowball.

3. What bites but doesn’t have teeth?

Frost.

4. What do you get when you mix a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

5. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?

Lost.

6. What do you call a snowman in August?

A puddle.

7. Where do snowmen love to dance?

At a snowball.

8. What do you call a slow skier?

A slope-poke!

9. What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Iceburgers.

10. What do snowmen win at the Olympics?

Cold medals!

11. Which one is faster: hot or cold?

Hot. You can catch a cold.

12. Where do snowmen put their money?

In snow banks.

13. How do snowmen buy birthday presents?

With cold, hard cash.

14. What did the tree say after a long winter?

What a re-leaf!

15. What does Frosty’s mom put on her face at night?

Cold cream.

[Esteban]

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "that would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "watch me."

The lab owner strolls in with his dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells him, "sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the man replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves him the beer.

The other man follows, his chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the man replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “a chihuahua? Give me a break." Without missing a beat, the man replies, "they gave me a chihuahua?!"

[Buug959]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said.

“I am wearing my love dress.”

“Love dress? But you’re naked!” said the mother-in-law.

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?” he asked.

This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said.

[Buug959]

Rearrange these letters to form words.

1. PNEIS

2. BUTTSXE








Did you get *spine* and *subtext*?
Yeah, neither did I.

[vreihen16]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

[Esteban]

A blonde went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink for her house.

"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.

"Don't tell me they've gone electric," said the blonde.

[M5Rick]

If at first you don't succeed..
then skydiving is not for you.