The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

Three vampires walk into a bar.The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.” The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite?”

Have a great weekend, everyone!

[Buug959]

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude. The pilot yells to these passengers, “We’re carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!”

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in different locations. In search for help, they each start making their way through the woods they are now lost in.

The policeman stumbles upon a little girl crying over the body of an adult man. He asks the girl, “What happened here!?” to which the little girl replies “I was walking with my daddy and a gun fell out of the sky and hit his head!”

The archer comes across someone crying over a body as well, a young boy. The archer says “Oh my gosh, what happened!?” The boy tells the archer “We were playing hide-and-seek and I found him with an arrow in his head!”

The soldier pushes through the brush, and finds a young boy laughing hysterically, standing in front of a cabin with a giant hole in the wall.

The soldier asks the little boy “Whoah, what did I miss?”

The little boy says between laughing fits “You wouldn’t believe the fart I just ripped”

[Esteban]

• 1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.

• 2023: Dracula dies of hunger.

[Buug959]

The deputy mayor of Paris last week addressed the widespread rise of bedbugs across the city and said, quote, “No one is safe.” So before asking someone, “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” ask yourself, “Itchy itchy ya ya da da."

[BMWGUYinCO]

I just bought a limousine without a driver...

I can't believe I have nothing to chauffeur it.

[3.0L]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his
son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes
crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks
her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more
tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never
understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more
tail and she told me to go fly a kite."

[KRS_SN]

Two lawyers on a flight to London, one in the window seat the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a doctor got on and took the aisle seat next to the two lawyers. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the lawyer in the window seat said, I think I'll get up and get a coke. No problem, said the doctor. I’ll get it for you. While the doctor was gone, one of the lawyers picked up one of the doctor’s shoes and spat in it.

When he returned with the drink the other lawyer said, That looks good, I think I’ll have one too. Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch another coke. While he was gone, the other lawyer picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. How long must this go on, asked the doctor, this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

[Esteban]

There was an old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

When she walked out of the room, her husband yelled "you can’t go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you" said the old woman.

The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The old woman said "you’re going out as that?" "Yes" said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

[HFW003]

Originally Posted by Esteban

There was an old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

When she walked out of the room, her husband yelled "you can’t go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you" said the old woman.

The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The old woman said "you’re going out as that?" "Yes" said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

That reminds me of an old one,

Same theme, Halloween fancy dress but you had to go as an emotion.
Old mate turns up completely naked with his dick in a bowl of custard.

What did he go as.......










Fuckin dis custard

Forgive me I'm Australian

[Esteban]

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say "that shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering “you seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says “hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?" “Oh, those are the peanuts” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

[Llarry]

A home improvement idea: If you replace your deck, go to a party store (Party City etc.) and buy a replica human skeleton. Place it on the ground underneath the new deck. Imagine the reaction twenty years from now when the next homeowner replaces the deck again!

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Llarry

A home improvement idea: If you replace your deck, go to a party store (Party City etc.) and buy a replica human skeleton. Place it on the ground underneath the new deck. Imagine the reaction twenty years from now when the next homeowner replaces the deck again!

I'll try that one out Llarry, I haven't got decking so will leave it in the loft

[KRS_SN]

Like the time during anatomy dissection class clipped off a digit from the cadaver and sneaked it into a girls pocket without her noticing...the ensuing screams when she eventually put her hand in her pocket got me a few days off from education.

[BMWGUYinCO]

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

[Esteban]

Did you hear about the mechanics that got addicted to drinking brake fluid?

They said they could stop any time they want to.

[spazzyfry123]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the birch says to the beech, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The beech says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if the sapling is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I’ve ever poked my pecker into!”

[Llarry]

Due to staffing shortages at healthcare facilities such as hospitals and clinics, any woman who dresses as a slutty nurse for Halloween will be required to work a 12 hour shift at a nearby hospital.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by Llarry

Due to staffing shortages at healthcare facilities such as hospitals and clinics, any woman who dresses as a slutty nurse for Halloween will be required to work a 12 hour shift at a nearby hospital.

Some of the porters would want to work overtime too seing the Halloween uniform

[Esteban]

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says “who told you that drinking is bad?”

The nun says “Mother Superior told me.”

To which the man asks “have you ever tried it?”

The nun replies “no, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”

The man says “well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what, if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”

The nun agrees. “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”

The man goes up to the bartender and says “bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looks at the man and says “is that nun in here again?”

[Car-Addicted]

Saw this today and LMAO.

[TNTMYM3]

How do you keep a politician from drowning?

You take your foot off his head.

[Esteban]

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

• He pasta way.

• We cannoli do so much.

• His legacy will become a pizza history.

• Just proves the old adage, “Here today, gone tomato.”

• How sad that he ran out of thyme.

• Olive my prayers go to the family.

• His wife is very upset; cheese still not over it.

• You never sausage a tragic thing!