She wants me to drive the 335i while she drives my daily driver

[MPOWER5266]

Its an e93 335, put the top down and enjoy the nice fall weather. Why would you not drive it?

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

I will put my hand up and say I get frustrated easily. I am a good man, barely drink, don't have any vices, always employed, always home, love my kids, do tons of stuff with kids etc but I get annoyed quickly and I can get shouty with the kids if i have to repeat myself over and over and over. I am working on less shouty, more punishment but that gets kaiboshed.

Oh man, am I with you, I used to be a patient person before kids. Now I'm Mr. Shouty all the fricking time it feels like. I know I have to work on it, but the difference is my wife and I are aligned on the raising of the kids.

I'm definitely the harder one, but I also biblically view that as my role (as does she), so it works for us. Unless I get way out of line, she always supports me when it comes to the kids in front of them, but might say something privately later which I respect and then sometimes / often soften if after having some time to reflect, I agree I might have gone a little overboard.

My eldest (nearly 7 yrs old) just lost TV for a week because he lied to us 5 times in one evening, all on the same issue, just fed us story after story telling us each one was the truth. We picked TV because he seems like he's getting a little addicted to it.

I can't imagine the frustration you have though when you don't get any support, worse than that even, you get opposition. That sucks!

[Tommy-G]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Let's do one more.

We rented a cottage with her sister and her family a month or so ago, fabulous place, lots to do, kids splashing about, fishing etc, good times yeah.

The day seemed to be going fine, no conflict etc, actually bonding over the WEIRD behavior of my bro in law who got the sulks over his new job.

We were all by the lake but the wife was out of eye shot, i get up to go inside and tell my eldest (9) to not go in the lake until i get back. I was maybe 5 mins, tops. I step outside and the mrs goes absolutely BEZERK. She asked the boy to go in the lake to get the paddle board and he wouldn't budge because i said not to go until I got back.

She is just TEARING into me, in front of everyone including both my kids. Her reasoning is I am too hard on the kids so they don't do what she says because they are scared of me. Maybe not entirely untrue because I am definitely the firm parent, she has no concept of accountability or consistency or any type of boundaries for the kids then loses it as the kids run amock on her. Anyways, so she just tears into me, saying the boy was scared of me and it is mental abuse or some such garbage, just totally trips out and cracks the shits for a full 24 hours before she lets it go.

I'm standing there with a "wtf was that" look which I am sure was amusing to everyone but her.

One important footnote to this, she was "supported" by her sister who feels I am too hard on the kids. Now, the night before, the sister's 4 year old lost his fucking mind because his grand father gave my youngest a marshmallow that was slightly more roasted than the other one. When his grandfather handed him a further roasted marshmallow, he threw it on the ground. He then proceeded to roar, uncontrollably in anger. Then he went inside with his parents who consoled him on the couch for 30 minutes, during which time he kicked his father in the head. To resolve the situation, they brought him back out to the fire and not only did the marshmallow thing all over again but ALSO added chocolate and smores as a reward for his behavior. My solution would have been to send him to bed with no dessert and let him cry it out but apparently that is child abuse.

And I am the bad guy here.

Yeah my wife and I agreed on our 2nd date kids werent for us b/c we were traveling and selfish. Anytime we ever see behavior like that we look at each other and laugh going "THANK GOD"

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

Unless I get way out of line, she always supports me when it comes to the kids in front of them, but might say something privately later which I respect and then sometimes / often soften if after having some time to reflect, I agree I might have gone a little overboard.

This is where it gets hard.

Last night we were watching a movie, youngest has a habit of holding his pee. He is sitting near me but simply CANNOT sit still, like at all, relentless shuffling about. I worked all day, made 3 meals AND helped guide two kids through online school. By 730pm, i am looking to grab a breather with the kids but jnr just WILL NOT sit still.

I finally have enough, "XXXX are you alright mate, do you need to pee" .... not shouty but I was annoyed and I came across as slightly annoyed not shouty.

Mrs SNAPS back "ARE YOU OK, ARE YOU OK, just leave him alone".

So A) we are never aligned and b) she publicly disagrees so kids, being kids, think I am the bad guy.

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by Tommy-G

Yeah my wife and I agreed on our 2nd date kids werent for us b/c we were traveling and selfish. Anytime we ever see behavior like that we look at each other and laugh going "THANK GOD"

I will again say I need to learn to be less shouty and punish harder.

BUT, dear jesus fucking titty christ kids are a nightmare these days. They are TOTALLY out of control. I steadfastly REFUSE to believe it is not asking too much of kids over 4 to sit still for 30 minutes and eat dinner facing the table. No wiggling, no touching the guy next to you, no standing on the chair, no using hands instead of a fork, no sliding under the table, just fucking sit, eat and talk.

Apparently not though, both my kids and the sister in law's do all of the above and it drives me absolutely crazy.

[Tommy-G]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

I will again say I need to learn to be less shouty and punish harder.

BUT, dear jesus fucking titty christ kids are a nightmare these days. They are TOTALLY out of control. I steadfastly REFUSE to believe it is not asking too much of kids over 4 to sit still for 30 minutes and eat dinner facing the table. No wiggling, no touching the guy next to you, no standing on the chair, no using hands instead of a fork, no sliding under the table, just fucking sit, eat and talk.

Apparently not though, both my kids and the sister in law's do all of the above and it drives me absolutely crazy.

Just for conversation sake, how long into the relationship before she started going off the deep end? I'm sure you wouldn't tolerate this back in the first few years of courting based on your own description of yourself.

[Bunnny]

Keep your $200 then and take back your offer if she's going to give you attitude about it.

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by Tommy-G

Just for conversation sake, how long into the relationship before she started going off the deep end? I'm sure you wouldn't tolerate this back in the first few years of courting based on your own description of yourself.

There were very early signs, very early. I sort of knew on my wedding day that I should have bailed but I lacked confidence and exposure to women (long story) so didn't have the balls to do what needed to be done.

In saying that, it DEFINATELY exploded once we had kids, a lot of what you are reading is her inability to cope with life stress and she lashes out at me. I then pull back, she then feels unloved and it escalates, feeds itself.

[Tommy-G]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

There were very early signs, very early. I sort of knew on my wedding day that I should have bailed but I lacked confidence and exposure to women (long story) so didn't have the balls to do what needed to be done.

In saying that, it DEFINATELY exploded once we had kids, a lot of what you are reading is her inability to cope with life stress and she lashes out at me. I then pull back, she then feels unloved and it escalates, feeds itself.

No judgment! Perfectly understandable what you're describing. I just feel badly for anyone (male or female) in a relationship thats not a happy and healthy one. Nothing is perfect but who has time for all the aggravation and stress

[DocL]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

I will put my hand up and say I get frustrated easily. I am a good man, barely drink, don't have any vices, always employed, always home, love my kids, do tons of stuff with kids etc but I get annoyed quickly and I can get shouty with the kids if i have to repeat myself over and over and over. I am working on less shouty, more punishment but that gets kaiboshed.

Sounds like my wife and I with our kids. But the thing I see most with your responses are that you are their father, and not their friend. If this woman has never had children she just doesn't get it. Nothing wrong with that, but she just doesn't understand.

This is tough one, but I don't know if I'd be as tolerant as you.

Good luck.

[Gregrobin]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

I then pull back, she then feels unloved and it escalates, feeds itself.

I recommend the book "Hold Me Tight" for both of you. This type of push/pull behavior has a root cause.

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight.../dp/1491513810

[Bunnny]

Originally Posted by Tommy-G

Yeah my wife and I agreed on our 2nd date kids werent for us b/c we were traveling and selfish. Anytime we ever see behavior like that we look at each other and laugh going "THANK GOD"

My husband and I agree'd on the same. No kids. No fights. Less problems.
And I love life without stretchmarks, peeing my pants, and I certainly love life without being bat-shit crazy (which happens due to imbalanced brain and hormone chemistry).

[S1nner]

Originally Posted by minn19

So many macho/tough guys on here.

Just making my life easier

[minn19]

Originally Posted by S1nner

Just making my life easier

Maybe and maybe not................

[Tommy-G]

Originally Posted by Bunnny

My husband and I agree'd on the same. No kids. No fights. Less problems.
And I love life without stretchmarks, peeing my pants, and I certainly love life without being bat-shit crazy (which happens due to imbalanced brain and hormone chemistry).

My sister in law has 2. My wife was there for the 1st birth and she ended up ripping her buttocks....I think that was a clear NO for my wife!

[Wrjose81]

You should let her

[2000cs]

OP has worked his life from humble beginnings to prized possessions. Isn’t the great thing about possessions and wealth being able to share them?

My thought on this is if you’re unwilling to let her drive either of your cars, then she isn’t the right one for you because your cars are worth more to you than she is. Really if you can’t offer her the 335, then this is a temporary relationship. Find a girl you value more than your car.

Conversely, if she asks for a pretty simple favor and you decline, or try a work around, haven’t you just shown her your red flag?

The situation on this issue has progressed too far to put the genie back in the bottle. No matter what you do, you have each learned something about the other. A magnanimous gesture at this stage might buy time in the relationship, but if you both don’t change a few things I don’t see it lasting.

FWIW my gf totaled her car while we were dating and really couldn’t afford a replacement. I let her drive my X5 4.8is (my DD was a 997S at the time) and she kept it at her house, drove to work, let it be a mess, etc. for months. We ended up getting married and kept that X5 for almost 9 more years. She drove the 997S on narrow twisty roads within days of us meeting. Hopefully my tombstone will say something about being a good husband; I doubt if any of my cars will be mentioned.

[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by Gregrobin

Wow, I did not expect this type of response, great feedback everyone.

Welcome to OT where everyone knows what's best but you

Alfisti do you stay because of the kids?

[omasou]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Let's do one more.

We rented a cottage with her sister and her family a month or so ago, fabulous place, lots to do, kids splashing about, fishing etc, good times yeah.

The day seemed to be going fine, no conflict etc, actually bonding over the WEIRD behavior of my bro in law who got the sulks over his new job.

We were all by the lake but the wife was out of eye shot, i get up to go inside and tell my eldest (9) to not go in the lake until i get back. I was maybe 5 mins, tops. I step outside and the mrs goes absolutely BEZERK. She asked the boy to go in the lake to get the paddle board and he wouldn't budge because i said not to go until I got back.

She is just TEARING into me, in front of everyone including both my kids. Her reasoning is I am too hard on the kids so they don't do what she says because they are scared of me. Maybe not entirely untrue because I am definitely the firm parent, she has no concept of accountability or consistency or any type of boundaries for the kids then loses it as the kids run amock on her. Anyways, so she just tears into me, saying the boy was scared of me and it is mental abuse or some such garbage, just totally trips out and cracks the shits for a full 24 hours before she lets it go.

<…>

So she can't get off her a** to get the board, but if he would have listened and gotten too far out and scared and started struggling you still would be the bad one for not being there to save him. All the while she would have been hysterically screaming for someone to save her son. Not that she would jump in to help him.

Then when safe on shore and ok he would get yelled at for not listening to Dad.

Do I have that about right?

[Gregrobin]

Originally Posted by 2000cs

OP has worked his life from humble beginnings to prized possessions. Isn't the great thing about possessions and wealth being able to share them?

My thought on this is if you're unwilling to let her drive either of your cars, then she isn't the right one for you because your cars are worth more to you than she is. Really if you can't offer her the 335, then this is a temporary relationship. Find a girl you value more than your car.

Conversely, if she asks for a pretty simple favor and you decline, or try a work around, haven't you just shown her your red flag?

The situation on this issue has progressed too far to put the genie back in the bottle. No matter what you do, you have each learned something about the other. A magnanimous gesture at this stage might buy time in the relationship, but if you both don't change a few things I don't see it lasting.

FWIW my gf totaled her car while we were dating and really couldn't afford a replacement. I let her drive my X5 4.8is (my DD was a 997S at the time) and she kept it at her house, drove to work, let it be a mess, etc. for months. We ended up getting married and kept that X5 for almost 9 more years. She drove the 997S on narrow twisty roads within days of us meeting. Hopefully my tombstone will say something about being a good husband; I doubt if any of my cars will be mentioned.

All good points. I've actually asked her to drive the 335i many times so she can share in my excitement and enjoy the car like I do. She actually doesn't like it, and doesn't get why it's any different than any other car. I've told her take it to work, take it to your parents, put the top down and take it out tonight with your girlfriends, etc. She doesn't.

After reading all of these responses and thinking on this some more, what it comes down to is rain. I have this thing in my head that the car does not see wet roads and it stays clean. I literally keep a dust cover on it in the garage. I can't explain it. When I had the front tires off recently I cleaned everything, it looks brand new. I want it to stay that way.

[Germanauto]

Sounds ridiculous on her end. Plus the Bimmer will take more expensive premium fuel and being an older model now, will have a high risk of throwing some expensive ass code.

[Gregrobin]

After all that her car was ready today and she picked it up. She won't let me pay the extra $80 for the rental collision damage waiver.