The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Dino GT]

Just as the graveyard service finished, there's was a lightning bolt and a tremendous rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said.
Well, she's there already, and it's his problem now.

[Dino GT]

A burgular breaks into this house and he starts looking around for money and jewelry downstairs, then he goes upstairs and into a bedroom and sees a couple in bed. He ties up the husband to a chair and the wife to the bed. He then starts kissing her on the neck. He stops and goes into the bathroom. The husband whisper to the wife. Honey be brave, this man is obviously dangerous, he must want to do things to you the way he was kissing your neck. just do whatever he says or else he might kills us, whatever happens just remember that I love you.
The wife whispers back to the husband. Honey he's wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He actually thinks that you're cute and he's was asking where do we keep the Vaseline. I told him it was the bathroom, so honey be brave, remember that I love you too.

[3.0L]

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist. The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a wallet! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's disappointingly small.

OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it?

The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"

[2000cs]

After a good time at the whorehouse, the leper said, “keep the tip”

[Nuckle]

Originally Posted by tranquility

How dare you talk smack about the cutest animal in the world! You're not koalified to give such opinion!

Other fun facts:
.yes, they are not bears but marsupials
.they sleep upwards of 22 hours a day!
.mainly eat only ONE thing in life, eucalyptus leaves, which are quite toxic and low in nutrients, hence needing to sleep it off to work through digesting them
.their name comes from some native language meaning "no water" because the ppl saw these lazy buggers just hang out in the branches all day, never climbing down to the local watering hole (they mostly get their water from the leaves)
.they have 2 thumbs in each hand for better grip
.males have a scent gland on their chest used to mark territory
.unfortunately not too bright/adaptive: you could put a bunch of loose leaves on the ground and they wouldn't eat it and starve to death...somehow they have to pick it themselves from the branches, that's why caretakers always feed them by the branch-ful and not individual leaves (ok, maybe you can train them, but I haven't seen it)
.cutest animal in the world! (if you deny it I will fight you to the death)

Yes, I am a 🐨fied 🐨 lover

Originally Posted by tranquility

How dare you talk smack about the cutest animal in the world! You're not koalified to give such opinion!

Other fun facts:
.yes, they are not bears but marsupials
.they sleep upwards of 22 hours a day!
.mainly eat only ONE thing in life, eucalyptus leaves, which are quite toxic and low in nutrients, hence needing to sleep it off to work through digesting them
.their name comes from some native language meaning "no water" because the ppl saw these lazy buggers just hang out in the branches all day, never climbing down to the local watering hole (they mostly get their water from the leaves)
.they have 2 thumbs in each hand for better grip
.males have a scent gland on their chest used to mark territory
.unfortunately not too bright/adaptive: you could put a bunch of loose leaves on the ground and they wouldn't eat it and starve to death...somehow they have to pick it themselves from the branches, that's why caretakers always feed them by the branch-ful and not individual leaves (ok, maybe you can train them, but I haven't seen it)
.cutest animal in the world! (if you deny it I will fight you to the death)

Yes, I am a 🐨fied 🐨 lover

I have always wondered what they taste like, Any idea?

[M5Rick]

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

[M5Rick]

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

[Dpc2u]

We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

[M5Rick]

Why does Humpty dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty dumpty had a great fall.

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by 2000cs

After a good time at the whorehouse, the leper said, "keep the tip"

Did he tell you about the blind prostitute at the whore house? You have to hand it to her.

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

[3.0L]

Mr. Barker's wardrobe provided by

Flipper & Dicker (TM)

[KRS_SN]

I was in the local last night when the landlady suddenly shouted, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I replied, “I know the whole effing alphabet.”
Everyone laughed, well, apart from one guy.

[KRS_SN]

Polish patient at the optometrist:
"Can you read the bottom line?"
"Read it? I know him!"

[3.0L]

.

[3.0L]

Well, I can't post the shit happens list because it gets into religion. So, you'll just have to look it up.

[Le Patron1]

What do you call four Mexicans in a boat with a hole in it?

Quatro Cinco

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Well, I can't post the shit happens list because it gets into religion. So, you'll just have to look it up.

Confucius could be: "If shit happen today, shit will still happen tomorrow."

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by Le Patron1

What do you call four Mexicans in a boat with a hole in it?

Quatro Cinco

The word of that day was 'juicy'
If juicy the coast guard let me know.

[rmanm4]

I've been using "Mucho" with my Spanish speaking friends, it means a lot to them!

[aguywalksintoabar]

They were playing their favorite sport with that boat…
Cross country

[parajax]

No matter how fragrant the hand soap is in the bathroom, never let anyone see you smelling your fingers walking out the door!