The joke thread, pics are not necessary

M5Rick · 03-25-2023, 03:53 PM

There once was a lady named Ferris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the bath salts one day,
in the tub where she lay,
turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

R BMW · 03-28-2023, 12:38 PM

Fluffy

M5Rick · 03-29-2023, 05:43 AM

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese-monger's shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

M5Rick · 03-31-2023, 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buug959

I once tried to works as a scarecrow but hay, it's just not in my jeans.

Probably would have scared the crows if you tried it

Buug959 · 03-31-2023, 04:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Probably would have scared the crows if you tried it

There's no doubt in my mind.

M5Rick · 03-31-2023, 05:32 AM

A flee and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly,''let us flee!''
''Let us fly!'' said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

M5Rick · 04-04-2023, 04:28 AM

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

BMWGUYinCO · 04-04-2023, 12:06 PM

I've attended 3 conferences on electricity so far this year.

I guess you could say I like to keep up to date on current events.

BMWGUYinCO · 04-04-2023, 12:08 PM

Boarding school taught me how to get on an airplane.

2000cs · 04-04-2023, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

I've attended 3 conferences on electricity so far this year.

I guess you could say I like to keep up to date on current events.

I only made it to the first two. The first was electrifying, but the second was just revolting.

vreihen16 · 04-04-2023, 06:14 PM

Shocking.....

BMWGUYinCO · 04-05-2023, 04:57 PM

Inspecting mirrors is a job I can see myself doing....

CarsAndGuitars · 04-05-2023, 08:28 PM

I have far too many of these..

Sweden recently started putting barcode on their fleet of ships. It's so they can Scandinavian.

I was in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors

Just finished reading a book on how to fall down the stairs.
It's a step by step guide

I got into a fight with my wife on an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels

The man who invented the umbrella was first planning to name it “brella”.
But he hesitated.

CarsAndGuitars · 04-05-2023, 09:38 PM

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
7H15 M3554G3
S3RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 15
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

M5Rick · 04-06-2023, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarsAndGuitars

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
7H15 M3554G3
S3RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 15
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

Figuratively speaking that makes sense.

3.0L · 04-07-2023, 05:03 PM

"That's more difficult than picking fly crap out of a pepper shaker while wearing boxing gloves."

3.0L · 04-07-2023, 07:17 PM

Commercial fishing operation has an immediate opening for baiting hooks. After 6 months of
satisfactory performance as apprentice baiter, guaranteed pay raise and promotion to master baiter.

KRS_SN · 04-08-2023, 03:42 PM

"Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that.
He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him.
He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.

As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again "

M5Rick · 04-09-2023, 02:21 AM

If you stay calm while all around you is chaos,then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

M5Rick · 04-11-2023, 10:22 AM

I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.

dradernh · 04-11-2023, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

I'm great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.

There was a term for that when I was growing up here in the States in the '50s and '60s. It was called 'goofing-off'. The term was longhand for 'lazy'.

I suspect it came out of the military, but I'm not sure about that.

BMWGUYinCO · 04-13-2023, 01:39 PM

I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing.

03-25-2023, 03:53 PM	#991
M5Rick General 67077 Rep 21,666 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	There once was a lady named Ferris Whom nothing could ever embarrass 'Til the bath salts one day, in the tub where she lay, turned out to be Plaster of Paris. Last edited by M5Rick; 03-26-2023 at 07:46 AM..
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03-28-2023, 12:38 PM	#992
R BMW Second Lieutenant 957 Rep 280 Posts Drives: 2014 328Xi GT, 2020 X3 MC Join Date: Apr 2019 Location: Minnesota iTrader: (1) Garage List 2020 BMW X3 M Comp [0.00] 2014 328Xi GT [10.00]	Fluffy
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03-29-2023, 05:43 AM	#993
M5Rick General 67077 Rep 21,666 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	One Saturday morning at three, A cheese-monger's shop in Paree Collapsed to the ground With a thunderous sound Leaving only a pile of de brie.
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03-31-2023, 05:32 AM	#996
M5Rick General 67077 Rep 21,666 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A flee and a fly in a flue Were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly,''let us flee!'' ''Let us fly!'' said the flea So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
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04-04-2023, 04:28 AM	#997
M5Rick General 67077 Rep 21,666 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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04-04-2023, 12:06 PM	#998
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4300 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I've attended 3 conferences on electricity so far this year. I guess you could say I like to keep up to date on current events.
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04-04-2023, 12:08 PM	#999
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4300 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Boarding school taught me how to get on an airplane.
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04-04-2023, 06:14 PM	#1001
vreihen16 Recovering Perfectionist 19623 Rep 991 Posts Drives: BMW-less :( Join Date: Jun 2019 Location: Orange County, NY iTrader: (0) Garage List 2014 Mighty Freight ... [0.00] 2000 Audi TT Quattro [0.00] 1967 Formula Vee [0.00]	Shocking..... __________________ Currently BMW-less.
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04-05-2023, 04:57 PM	#1002
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4300 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	Inspecting mirrors is a job I can see myself doing....
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04-05-2023, 08:28 PM	#1003
CarsAndGuitars Lieutenant 2077 Rep 544 Posts Drives: 2022 M240i Join Date: Mar 2022 Location: South FL iTrader: (0)	I have far too many of these.. Sweden recently started putting barcode on their fleet of ships. It's so they can Scandinavian. I was in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors Just finished reading a book on how to fall down the stairs. It's a step by step guide I got into a fight with my wife on an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels The man who invented the umbrella was first planning to name it “brella”. But he hesitated. __________________ 2022 BMW M240i Portimao Gone: 2020 Genesis G70 3.3T \| 2018 Audi A5 SportBack \| 2015 Challenger Scat Pack \| 2011 Mustang V6 \| numerous others..
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04-05-2023, 09:38 PM	#1004
CarsAndGuitars Lieutenant 2077 Rep 544 Posts Drives: 2022 M240i Join Date: Mar 2022 Location: South FL iTrader: (0)	F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng? 7H15 M3554G3 S3RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 15 R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. __________________ 2022 BMW M240i Portimao Gone: 2020 Genesis G70 3.3T \| 2018 Audi A5 SportBack \| 2015 Challenger Scat Pack \| 2011 Mustang V6 \| numerous others..
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04-07-2023, 05:03 PM	#1006
3.0L Colonel 10091 Rep 2,011 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	How to explain a difficult task "That's more difficult than picking fly crap out of a pepper shaker while wearing boxing gloves." __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Expert ultracrepidarian
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04-07-2023, 07:17 PM	#1007
3.0L Colonel 10091 Rep 2,011 Posts Drives: 2014 BMW M235i, 2024 GLC300 Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: California iTrader: (0)	Help Wanted Commercial fishing operation has an immediate opening for baiting hooks. After 6 months of satisfactory performance as apprentice baiter, guaranteed pay raise and promotion to master baiter. __________________ 2014 BMW M235i 2024 Mercedes Benz GLC300 Expert ultracrepidarian
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04-08-2023, 03:42 PM	#1008
KRS_SN Major General 14420 Rep 5,467 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	"Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that. He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him. He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes. As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again "
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04-09-2023, 02:21 AM	#1009
M5Rick General 67077 Rep 21,666 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	If you stay calm while all around you is chaos,then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
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04-11-2023, 10:22 AM	#1010
M5Rick General 67077 Rep 21,666 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at the same time.
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04-13-2023, 01:39 PM	#1012
BMWGUYinCO Second Lieutenant 4300 Rep 284 Posts Drives: 22 M850 Convertible '23 X3 M40 Join Date: Apr 2020 Location: Colorado iTrader: (0)	I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's authentic, because there's a bit of veneer missing.
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