The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

Doctor asked the nurse how the little girl who swallowed ten quarters was doing.
The nurse replied that there was no change yet.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Being in debt attracts a lot of interest from bankers.

[Esteban]

I said to the gym instructor “can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “how flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

[thebmw]

Originally Posted by Esteban

I said to the gym instructor “can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “how flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

And then the gym instructor said if you're really flexible, I can C U Next Tuesday. Otherwise, you are Friday And Thursday.

[Lady Jane]

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're gonna give me $10,000 right now or I'm gonna beat you to a pulp!"


"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he'll know what to do."


"Dolphins," the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I'm gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp."


"I'll be there in 10 minutes, " says the voice calmly on the other end.


Exactly ten minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.


When he's finished, he walks over to his father and says: "For the LAST TIME Dad... I train SEALS... NAVY SEALS... NOT dolphins."

[3.0L]

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" whack.

[KRS_SN]

It's a slow day in the town and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at a hotel, and lays a £50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. ... (now... pay attention)
The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier. The guy at the supplier takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. Now, the prostitute rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 pound note and leaves.
No one produced anything and no one earned anything! However... the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!

Now, that is how a government works!

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

It's a slow day in the town and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at a hotel, and lays a £50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. ... (now... pay attention)
The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier. The guy at the supplier takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. Now, the prostitute rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 pound note and leaves.
No one produced anything and no one earned anything! However... the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!

Now, that is how a government works!

In economics that is referred to as the velocity of money; basically the number of times a dollar/pound gets used in a period of time. To get nerdy, that is why the money supply alone is not a good measure - if the velocity increases, the effective money supply is much higher and that could drive growth or inflation.

This is a better example than anything I ever read in an Econ text!

[Watching The World Burn]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

It's a slow day in the town and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at a hotel, and lays a £50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. ... (now... pay attention)
The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier. The guy at the supplier takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. Now, the prostitute rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 pound note and leaves.
No one produced anything and no one earned anything! However... the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!

Now, that is how a government works!

Of course they produced. Supplier produced feed which the pig farmer used to produce a pig, which the butcher used to produce meat, which the hotel owner ate. The prostitute made herself available, and the hotel owner produced accommodations. And each of them earned something for their related production.

They all produced, they all earned, and they are all out of debt.

There is of course still the velocity of money and this is a good example of that.

[Dino GT]

When a woman says "What?"
It's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

[Dino GT]

Do you all remember before the internet that people thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information?
Yeah., it wasn't that.

[M5Rick]

Why does Elton John not like Iceberg lettuce?
Because he is more of a Rocket Man.

[M5Rick]

What do you call a gardener that has a beard?
Hairy Potter.

[3.0L]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way,
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[Lady Jane]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Good one! In most cases however, it's the hospital's bean counters going around asking the most stupid questions. But a prick is a prick.

[M5Rick]

Whilst having a clearout of my garden shed I came across a boxful of dead batteries.
I gave them away free of charge.

[Esteban]

I child proofed my house,

but the kids keep getting in.

[Esteban]

[Mosaud1998]

[Dino GT]

Hydration tip...

Drinking 1 gallon of water a day helps you avoid other people's drama because you are too busy peeing.

Stay hydrated my friends!

[M5Rick]

Did you hear about the man who was seen naked in his greenhouse?
He was caught with his plants down.

[2023G87M2]

Eh. I'll try