The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Dpc2u]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[leopard print]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.

I hate that I’m always excluded from the game

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by leopard print

I hate that I’m always excluded from the game

Maybe spend too much time under the bush

[M5Rick]

What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.

[KRS_SN]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

[KRS_SN]

A different version


John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know this, Sister?”
“My Mother Superior told me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course, I have never taken alcohol myself!”
“Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life.”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
Says barman “Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

[BMWGUYinCO]

I just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

[Dino GT]

The wife walks into the kitchen and sees her husband cleaning the kitchen countertops and then he starts scrubbing the floors. What's going on? She asks. He says, I thought I saw a cockroach. Next day the wife puts a cockroach in the bathroom.

[Dino GT]

My friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, that makes two of us.

[UncleWede]

What do you call a ship with 100 lawyers that sinks to the bottom of the ocean with all hands?

A start

[M5Rick]

Talk is cheap??
Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

[Dpc2u]

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other. “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

[vreihen16]

Q: Why don't sharks at the beach ever attack lawyers?


A: Professional courtesy.

[M5Rick]

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
..I lost my case.

[Dino GT]

What do you call a toilet during an earthquake?
A shaky John.

[Dino GT]

-

[335dlci]

Your mom is slow , it took her 9 months to make a joke.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza...

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

[White340XDriveInCt]

A Koala is standing on the corner of a street in NYC. A prostitute comes by, notices him, walks over, and says hello.

"Hey, you cute little furry guy. Whatcha doing?"

The Koala says, "Nothing. Just chilling out."

The prostitute says, "Well, how would you like to have some FUN?"

The Koala replies, "I love to have fun, sure!"

"Well follow me," she says, and the Koala does.

Up to the third-floor hotel room she takes him. He watches her head over to the bed, she undresses and says, "OK little fella, come on up and let's have fun!"

The Koala jumps up on the bed and immediately starts performing oral sex on her. She's moaning, groaning, and having a hell of a time. Then, abruptly, the Koala stops, hops off the bed, and heads for the door.

"Whoa, Whoa where do you think you're going, pal?" the angry woman asks.

"I'm taking off."

"Ohhhh nooo you don't. I'm a sex worker, a hooker, so I don't think so, buddy."

"A hooker, what's that?"

Annoyed, the woman shouts, "Ugh, take my phone and look it up!"

The little Koala Googles it and sees that it says Hooker: A woman who performs sexual favors for money." The Koala bear nods, and says. "I understand. Well, I'm a Koala!"

"Yeah, so??" the hooker yells back.

"Well, here, look it up," the tiny bear says, tossing the phone back to her.

She googles it and reads: Koala Bear - A small, furry animal that eats bush and leaves.

[M5Rick]

I say I say
Why is England the wettest country?
Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

[Dpc2u]

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

[Dino GT]

My friends son, who's into astronomy, asked him the other day, how stars die? Usually an overdose son, he told him.