The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[HFW003]

Originally Posted by tranquility

How dare you talk smack about the cutest animal in the world! You're not koalified to give such opinion!

Other fun facts:
.yes, they are not bears but marsupials
.they sleep upwards of 22 hours a day!
.mainly eat only ONE thing in life, eucalyptus leaves, which are quite toxic and low in nutrients, hence needing to sleep it off to work through digesting them
.their name comes from some native language meaning "no water" because the ppl saw these lazy buggers just hang out in the branches all day, never climbing down to the local watering hole (they mostly get their water from the leaves)
.they have 2 thumbs in each hand for better grip
.males have a scent gland on their chest used to mark territory
.unfortunately not too bright/adaptive: you could put a bunch of loose leaves on the ground and they wouldn't eat it and starve to death...somehow they have to pick it themselves from the branches, that's why caretakers always feed them by the branch-ful and not individual leaves (ok, maybe you can train them, but I haven't seen it)
.cutest animal in the world! (if you deny it I will fight you to the death)

Yes, I am a 🐨fied 🐨 lover

You forgot that they stink of piss and will scratch your eyes out given a chance.

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by HFW003

You forgot that they stink of piss and will scratch your eyes out given a chance.

Only if you don't come bearing leafy branches. Ya, but you'll succumb to their cuteness long before being torn to shreds by their claws

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by tranquility

How dare you talk smack about the cutest animal in the world! You're not koalified to give such opinion!

Other fun facts:
.yes, they are not bears but marsupials
.they sleep upwards of 22 hours a day!
.mainly eat only ONE thing in life, eucalyptus leaves, which are quite toxic and low in nutrients, hence needing to sleep it off to work through digesting them
.their name comes from some native language meaning "no water" because the ppl saw these lazy buggers just hang out in the branches all day, never climbing down to the local watering hole (they mostly get their water from the leaves)
.they have 2 thumbs in each hand for better grip
.males have a scent gland on their chest used to mark territory
.unfortunately not too bright/adaptive: you could put a bunch of loose leaves on the ground and they wouldn't eat it and starve to death...somehow they have to pick it themselves from the branches, that's why caretakers always feed them by the branch-ful and not individual leaves (ok, maybe you can train them, but I haven't seen it)
.cutest animal in the world! (if you deny it I will fight you to the death)

Yes, I am a ��fied �� lover

My dog Baal is the cutest pet and I wouldn't dream of having a fight with someone I feel sorry for

[M5Rick]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartentender says ''Why the long face''

[Dino GT]

🏆

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

My dog Baal is the cutest pet and I wouldn't dream of having a fight with someone I feel sorry for

I feel more sorry for you since you're delusional.

[Tuxedo]

Originally Posted by tranquility

I feel more sorry for you since you're delusional.

Threat number 2 is important

https://www.cc.com/video/z1c69t/the-...-koalas-purell

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by Tuxedo

Threat number 2 is important

https://www.cc.com/video/z1c69t/the-...-koalas-purell

I can't see the video unfortunately.

[M5Rick]

Why hasn't Dracula any friends?
Well honestly, he's a real pain in the neck.

[Dpc2u]

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

[M5Rick]

Pick up line for a guy..

''Well, here I am. So what are your other two wishes'

[Dino GT]

÷

[Tuxedo]

Originally Posted by Tuxedo

Threat number 2 is important

https://www.cc.com/video/z1c69t/the-...-koalas-purell

Originally Posted by tranquility

I can't see the video unfortunately.

found another

[M5Rick]

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the street.
I asked him ''What's the word on the street'

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by Tuxedo

found another

Heard about that, supposedly it's not the same as the human clap but there is rare chance a human can get infected.

[KRS_SN]

Three Russian workers were arrested and slung in the same prison cell.

Having nothing else to do, they start talking.

Why are you in jail, Ivan?
- My watch doesn't work well and I was late to work, I was accused of sabotaging production.

And you Boris?
- Oh mine too so, I played safe and was too early. I was accused of being a spy.

How about you Alexei?
- I was on time at work, so they accused me of having a watch made in the West

[M5Rick]

Man tells his doc ''I need help, I'm addicted to Twitter''
Doc replies ''Sorry, I don't follow you...''

[Dino GT]

This lady replaced all the windows in her house with very expensive double pane, energy efficient windows. A year goes by and she gets a call from Home Depot. The man started complaining that the work had been done a year ago and that she still hadn't paid for them.
She says; Hellooo....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm stupid. So, she tells him what his fast talking salesman had told her last year, that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooo, it's been a year, so they are paid for, she tells him. I bet you feel like an idiot, she says. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally hang up.

[aguywalksintoabar]

A guy walks into a bar and sees
3 pieces of meat hanging from
the ceiling.
The guy asks: "What's this
about?"
The bartender replies: "Well, if
you can jump up and slap all 3 in one go, you get free drinks for the
rest of the night. If you miss,
you pay for everyone's drinks
for the next hour. You wanna do
it?"
The guy replies: "Nah, the
steaks are too high."

[3.0L]

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

[Dino GT]

A husband gets in the shower just as his wife is getting out, at the same time the door bell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door she sees Bill, their next door neighbor. Before she can say a word Bill says, I'll give you $500.00 if you drop the towel. She thinks for a moment and drops the towel and stands there naked in front of Bill. After a few seconds Bill hands her the $500.00 and leaves. She wraps herself in the towel again and goes back upstairs. When she walked in the bathroom her husband asks. Who was that at the door? She's says, it was Bill, the next door neighbor. He says, great, did he give you the $500.00 that he owes me?

[M5Rick]

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.