The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Lady Jane]

The first time I saw one of those Universal Remote Control, I tough to myself: "well,...that changes everything."

[HXS]

How do you fix a broken dishwasher?


Just slap her in the ass.

[3.0L]

Wife: "Honey, there's something I've meaning to ask you."

Husband: "Oh, what is it, dear?"

Wife: "If I die before you, will you remarry?"

Husband: "Oh no, of course not."

Wife: "What's the matter, don't you like being married?!"

Husband: "On second thought, I would get remarried."

Wife: "Oh yeah?!!! And just who do have in mind?!!!!"

[KRS_SN]

Have you noticed that F1 racing drivers are named after Scottish towns?

Lewis Hamilton
Stirling Moss
Ayr Town Centre

[KRS_SN]

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[KRS_SN]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say

[HFW003]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

The Aussie must be related to my wife!

[Dino GT]

A flight is on it's way to Paris when a blonde in economic gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
The flight attendant sees that the blonde only paid for economic class and says:
You will have to sit in the back.
The blonde says: I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Paris, and I'm staying right here!
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot.
There's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economic and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot doesn't like this so he goes up to the blonde and says:
Miss, you only paid for economic, and you'll have to move back to your seat.
The blonde says: I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Paris, and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and says to the pilot:
We should probably have the police waiting to arrest this blonde woman.
The pilot says: You say she is blonde? I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde.
The pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and the blonde gets up without any fuss and moves.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask:
What did you do to make her move without any fuss?
The pilot says: I told her first class isn't going to Paris.

[Lady Jane]

The day I took possession of my vehicle, I could not figure out the seat belt. Then it clicked.

[3.0L]

I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me.

It turns out you can’t do that if the baby is yours.

[3.0L]

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn't fly?

The Wrong brothers.

[KRS_SN]

My mate Dave and his wife were at home watching TV. Dave had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. His missus became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake, Dave, leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

[Esteban]

[KRS_SN]

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The flippin’ idiot had a window cleaning round."

[BMWGUYinCO]

Arguing with a woman is like trying to read the End User Software License Agreement.
In the end, you ignore everything and just click "I Agree".

[HappynHealthy]

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age ( I am almost seventy - four)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, ' Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

She asked, ' Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, Not much..... My former doctor said that all read meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

' No I don't I said'

She then asked, ' Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

' No, I don't, ' I said.......

She looked at me and said, ' Then, why do you even give a shit? '

[3.0L]

A major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[Mandi90TT]

Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?


Because it didn't habanero.

[Esteban]

Question: What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[Lady Jane]

I heard a really funny time travel joke next week.

[Dino GT]

A woman walks into a jewelry store, she walks up to the jewelery counter and she sees a really sparking bracelet.
As she bends over to take a closer look, she farted.
She gets up, she looks to her left and to her right.
The jeweler is there with his white gloves on, looking all cool and he says. Is there anything I can help you with today, ma'am?
And she goes, oh yeah, the bracelet, how much is the bracelet?
The jeweler says: if you farted just by looking at it, you're going to crap yourself when know the price.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Quick poll: for all women who think men are pigs, vote by a show of your hooters.