The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[KRS_SN]

Husband - right love, get your coat on, I’m going down to the pub.
Wife - ooh, that’s nice love, you haven’t taken me out in ages.
Husband - oh, you’re not coming with me, I’m just turning the heating off.

[KRS_SN]

For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts.
Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?"
"I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."

[KRS_SN]

Yesterday a woman called for an ambulance.

Operator: How may I help you?

Woman: I banged my toe against the coffee table and hurt it real bad.

Operator: And you want to call an ambulance for that?

Woman: No. The ambulance is for my husband. He shouldn't have laughed.

[KRS_SN]

A woman goes into labour. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agree and so he turns the pain transfer to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still feels nothing and they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch

[M5Rick]

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright noooooooow.

[KRS_SN]

The next James Bond film will be made to satisfy the 'woke' brigade. Bond will start off as a man and will transgender to a woman. The film will be called Cocktopussy.

[Dino GT]

This couple is driving down a country road, and inside the car was complete silence. They just had a fight and they weren't talking to each other.
The two of them were just fuming as they drove along.
They drive by a barnyard, the husband sees pigs and mules. And he says to his wife, relatives of yours?
She says, yeah, in-laws.

[Esteban]

.

[BMWGUYinCO]

I don't let my kids go to, or watch the orchestra.

There's too much sax and violins.

[3.0L]

.

[CamasM3e93]

Hey, do you know why they call it Father's Day?

Because Happy Mother Fucker's Day doesn't fit on the cards….

[Dino GT]

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says.
Come again. The blonde says, no, it's toothpaste this time.

[KRS_SN]

Making a baby... This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!
Read it all.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Captain Blood]

Gaffigan, on "shots"

https://twitter.com/jimgaffigan/stat...cI_nHL7yairVsA

[Dino GT]

How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your resume.

Single handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents.

[vreihen16]

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?



A1: None. They just re-define darkness as the new standard!

A2: None. That's obviously a hardware problem!

[KRS_SN]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious that she was a little irritated...

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today, I only get hunat eighty. Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations..."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[CrownGlass]

It was a beautiful summer day, two guys were sitting at the patio bar. They watched as all the ladies went by, and one or the other men would point and say something almost every time.

This went back and forth for several drinks, and became more heated. As another man came into the bar and was walking past, one man tapped him on the shoulder.

‘We need your help to settled something!’ he said.

‘My friend here says he prefers stocking on women’s legs, and i say bare leg are better. So which do you prefer? Legs with stockings, or legs that are bare?’

The third man paused for a moment.

‘I appreciate both of your opinions. I however prefer something in-between…..’

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

√69 = 8 something

Now that's some man math right there.

[vreihen16]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[KRS_SN]

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !

*To all fathers!*
*Happy Father’s day.

[Dino GT]

A guy goes to a drug store to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist says; The condoms come in packs of 3,6 & 9, which one do you want?
I'm dating this really hot girl so I'm going to need lots of condoms. I think tonight is the night, he says.
We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out.
I really think I'm going to get lucky.
Once she has me, she's going to want me all the time.
You know what? Give me the 9 pack.
The guy buys the condoms and leaves.
Later that night they all sit down to have dinner.
The guy starts praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says; You never told me you were such a religious person.
He says; You never told me your dad was a pharmacist.