The Good Joke Thread

[kb2wji]

You cant run in a campground - you can only ran since it's past tents.

[vreihen16]

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to JFK airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the flashing lights of a State Police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over.

The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper.

"Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief.

"No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I'm not quite sure, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

Bra sizes:

A: almost boobs
B: barely boobs
C: can't complain
D: dang
DD: double dang
E: enormous
F: fake
G: get a reduction
H: help me I've fallen over

[rwheels]

Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day

Here you go!

[kb2wji]

why is a mugshot not called a cellfie?

why isn't fertilizer called grassoline?

why is it a hug and not a contact hi?

why isn't a dad bod a father figure?

[KRS_SN]

Sex with the priest's wife.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now.
My wife died a year ago".

[wdb]

Uhh priest, mass, wife?

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by wdb

Uhh priest, mass, wife?

Priest's can be married if they come to the cloth after they are already married.

[MKSixer]

I'll see myself out now...

[MurrayB]

I was surprised when my banker told me that her husband retired from being a Marine Biologist and became a Greek Orthodox Priest. Then I remembered that the father of a kid in my first grade class was the local Greek Orthodox Priest.

[KRS_SN]

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

"Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code"

… More So....... after a week, the 1st daughter texted

"NESCAFE"

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

"WILLS"

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

"fantastic till the last drop"

went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
"Extra long, king size"

she smiled and said "not bad for their ages".

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

"Indigo Delhi Hyderabad",

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

"it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins".

Mother fainted

[NEfan508]

Mrs Miller told me this joke, yes we tell each other cheesy jokes

Guy walks into a bar, orders corona & 2 hurricanes

Bartender says, that'll be $20.20

😐 Fml,


https://www.cnn.com/2020/08/23/weath...day/index.html

When I walked out of my dorm building, a young co-ed rode up on this bicycle. She stopped, stripped off all her clothes, tossed them on the ground, and said that I could take whatever I wanted.
____________________________

[rwheels]

Originally Posted by shermanpo2004

When I walked out of my dorm building, a young co-ed rode up on this bicycle. She stopped, stripped off all her clothes, tossed them on the ground, and said that I could take whatever I wanted.

I would have taken the bicycle.

[rwheels]

Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."

[rwheels]

The boss of a mining ccompany is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.

He sits them all down aand tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with the budget you have."
Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given.
He returns after one week, to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son.
“How much digging have you been able to do?” he asks.
“3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger; I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars, if I gave his five kids a job. The youth are so desperate for a job, this day, they will do 12-hour shifts, even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars for a week of work.
The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much he had been able to do as well.

"10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They’re all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage."
The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son.
"How much mining have you been able to do?" asks the father.
"35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget."
The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?"
"I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"

[MKSixer]

I'll show myself out...

[rwheels]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed.
After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispers, “I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty."

[KRS_SN]

Aplogies if previously posted. I do not monitor every post. Shared from a chum. Made me laugh.


Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.

He talks to them about how powerful a nation is Russia and how he wants the best for all the people.

At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:
"I have two questions.
Why did the Russians take Crimea?
and
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”

Putin says:
"Good question".

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

"I have four questions.
My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?"

[rwheels]

.

[KRS_SN]

*Consulting Humour*

Last Friday, I took a guest to Sagar Ratna Restaurant. I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to reengineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare one.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's zip. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"

Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Accenture also suggested we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our manhood, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

He whispered, "Accenture didn't mention that in report, so, _We use the spoon_."

[Jimmy K]

What's the difference between the Circus and the Rockettes?

The Circus is a cunning array of stunts...