Women's congruence tests... and how to pass them?

[GuidoK]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

but then, I am a scientist by education, and I am very open minded about things. I am not quick to judge or respond. So I'm thinking maybe I should tell her that I believe it would be for the better for all of us if we appreciated each other as we are...

Are you open minded enough to let her read this thread?

[Darth One]

Ask her how she would feel if you demanded that she drop a couple of dress sizes.

[Turkish Pickle]

haha, you're not even sleeping with this woman yet you're opening up a thread and writing all of this on a car forum?

friend you can be fucking nicocado avocado for all I care but you can do better. please go find a woman who won't cause this much internal turmoil. you should not stay there for one more second.

[SickGTR]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

I would like to "appreciate" this post but some may find it insensitive.

So what!!! No matter what anyone posts, someone somewhere will have a problem with it. It's the new way. Lol.

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

This, I think, explains the situation at hand well:

https://dadstartingover.com/dear-dso...oxic-behavior/

As mentioned by your responses above, and as my quick google search of "congruence tests" has shown... these shit tests are "tests", they are not continued behavior.

However, she has demonstrated continued bad behavior, for example with her clearly hating me cycling... and even if I did win the Tour de France, I would still not be sexy enough to the average Joe hitting the gym 3 times a week.

Oh well, time to talk to her...

Any more input welcome!

You would know if it's a shit test because you'd be able to tell it's a tease.

Not flat out saying "haha your workouts arent making a difference". That's just being a shit person, sorry.

[wtwo3]

Can I get a TLDR

[Alfisti]

How old are you champ, i am sensing under 20 yeah?

[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by wtwo3

Can I get a TLDR

Dude hangs out with a chick. They aren't having sex. Chick makes subtle insults. Dude wonders if they have a future.

[Our03z4]

Push over...that's a real attractive to her I'm sure. She's telling you to change, tell her to kick rocks.

[sygazelle]

First, coming here for dating advice is probably not the best choice.

But, here's my 2 cents:

This woman is trying to change you. Even if you are wanting to go that direction anyway, it's a definite red flag that she is not accepting you for who you are now. Relationship that start based on one person wanting to change the other can be a nightmare.

If you want to get more fit, fine. But don't be pressured into a lifestyle change by a woman you met.

Successful relationships are are best when two people are generally compatible from the get go and then make adjustments and compromises, within reason, for the good of the relationship.

I don't know the exact situation, but my instinct would be to run, not walk, away from this woman, unless you think you will be happy being a puppet.

[DETRoadster]

This belongs in the dating thread. Where's King Rudi ?!

[Turkish Pickle]

@OP I will cut you a deal.

I will daily bully you about not working out enough, not have sex with you, and in return you can buy me expensive gifts because once in a blue moon I'll give you "fuck me" eyes. And I've been told I have pretty eyes.

This as close as you will get to the "girlfriend experience" with that lady, except you can just pay me in BMW parts. Let me know if you're interested!

[D_o_S]

Thanks for the input... not wanting to sound like a devil's advocate, but if anyone has anything more to say, to perhaps offer a different viewpoint... please, step forward

I will try talking to her in the upcoming days...

[wtwo3]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

I am a scientist by education

I can tell. You're over-analyzing the shit out of this situation.

I went back and read your post and now my brain hurts. Sounds to me like you need to move on from her. This isn't worth your time.

[DETRoadster]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Thanks for the input... not wanting to sound like a devil's advocate, but if anyone has anything more to say, to perhaps offer a different viewpoint... please, step forward

I will try talking to her in the upcoming days...

I'd suggest answering the age questions several of us have asked. No one is going to put you on blast for your answer and it will actually help drive some better targeted advice. Remember, the people you are asking advice of are disproportionally in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Many of us with a few marriages and failed relationships under our belts. Many of us who are now, finally, in really happy relationships. So we've got some collective miles here. Knowing if you are 25 vs. 45 would be quite helpful.

[erickonphoenix]

Originally Posted by wtwo3

I can tell. You're over-analyzing the shit out of this situation.

I went back and read your post and now my brain hurts. Sounds to me like you need to move on from her. This isn't worth your time.

Agreed.

Although.. I’m on my fourth marriage so clearly I don’t think through things enough

[D_o_S]

Originally Posted by DETRoadster

I'd suggest answering the age questions several of us have asked. No one is going to put you on blast for your answer and it will actually help drive some better targeted advice. Remember, the people you are asking advice of are disproportionally in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Many of us with a few marriages and failed relationships under our belts. Many of us who are now, finally, in really happy relationships. So we've got some collective miles here. Knowing if you are 25 vs. 45 would be quite helpful.

Yup, I'm 30 and introverted >_< Spent most of my time studying or working, no time for much else... Have had 4 "serious" relationships, which ended due to irreconcilable differences, i.e. I was not willing to put up with her viewpoints/she wasn't willing to put up with mine... Looking back, every ending was for the better from my perspective, I would not want to be with any of the women I dated in all honesty (some of them have relationships in which they haven't changed = the things they did not want to change were why we separated)

[Mason Hatcher]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Thanks for the input... not wanting to sound like a devil's advocate, but if anyone has anything more to say, to perhaps offer a different viewpoint... please, step forward

I will try talking to her in the upcoming days...

Simping
Friend-Zone

Waste of time for us.

[DETRoadster]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Yup, I'm 30 and introverted >_< Spent most of my time studying or working, no time for much else... Have had 4 "serious" relationships, which ended due to irreconcilable differences, i.e. I was not willing to put up with her viewpoints/she wasn't willing to put up with mine... Looking back, every ending was for the better from my perspective, I would not want to be with any of the women I dated in all honesty (some of them have relationships in which they haven't changed = the things they did not want to change were why we separated)

OK, that's helpful. I probably should have also asked what sort of relationship you are looking for. Given you're introverted (I am too so I get it), 30, and have had multiple serious relationships I'm guessing you're looking to find "the one" and get comfortable, settling into a good thing. You don't strike me as the "I just want to bang as many chicks as I can find" type.

So here you are on relationship #5 and already the same pattern is emerging: Conflict over change. She wants to change your approach to working out to change your body type to one she's looking for. You are here asking us about whether you should be pushing back trying to change her attempts to change you. You're an introvert and you've got a fish on the line who does, at times, make you happy so you are weighing the costs of staying quiet and putting up with her vs. the other bad option of starting over. Am I close? This is generally what's referred to as "settling" but I'm betting you know that already. This is the start of every miserable relationship. You know the broken dudes you see at Costco walking head down towards their minivan with their fat ass wife screaming at them in the parking lot about how stupid they are? Yeah, this is how those relationships start.

Here's my suggestion: Ultimately I dont see this one working long term, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe she's just immature and you can re-work her bad habits. If nothing else it's worth a shot. Try a new tactic and be honest with her. Sit her down and say "Look, this whole working out thing is really bothering me. You keep making comments that come across as criticizing my body type and I'm feeling pressured to try to bulk up and be a body type for you that just doesnt work for me. I'm not sure if that's your intent but that's how its coming across." See what her reaction is:

She gets angry = RUN
She blames you for anything = RUN
She defects and finds some other fault in you = RUN
She denies it and says the fault is with you for misunderstanding = RUN
She claims to be pushing you to make you better = RUN

She says "Wow, thanks for your honesty, I didnt realize I was coming across like that. That was shitty of me. I'm sorry." = OK, maybe there's some hope

Ultimately she's pressuring you to change in a way that you arent comfortable with for purely cosmetic and self-serving reasons. Guys do this to women constantly and it's shitty no matter how you spin it. So again, I dont see this one being a keeper but use it as an opportunity to improve your communication skills.

Keep us posted.

[D_o_S]

Yep, that's quite accurate...

I'm guessing you're looking to find "the one" and get comfortable, settling into a good thing. = YES
You're an introvert and you've got a fish on the line who does, at times, make you happy so you are weighing the costs of staying quiet and putting up with her vs. the other bad option of starting over. = YES

So I will try to communicate and will see what emerges

[DETRoadster]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Yep, that's quite accurate...

I'm guessing you're looking to find "the one" and get comfortable, settling into a good thing. = YES
You're an introvert and you've got a fish on the line who does, at times, make you happy so you are weighing the costs of staying quiet and putting up with her vs. the other bad option of starting over. = YES

So I will try to communicate and will see what emerges

Solid, honest, communication is the foundation for every great relationship. Think about it, if you were saying something to your partner that really upset her and hurt her feelings, you'd want to know about it, right? And being a nice guy, you'd take efforts to correct that behavior, because you care and respect her. So you deserve someone who feels the same. And maybe it's this young lady. Only honest communication will uncover that. it's a good skill to practice.

[SickGTR]

Originally Posted by erickonphoenix

Agreed.

Although.. I’m on my fourth marriage so clearly I don’t think through things enough

Damn bro. Enough is enough. Lol