The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

Thanks for taking that the right way, Dino GT. This is the joke thread and I was making a joke.

[Dino GT]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Thanks for taking that the right way, Dino GT. This is the joke thread and I was making a joke.

I take everything as a joke all the time
I`m here to have a good time

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Dino GT

I take everything as a joke all the time
I`m here to have a good time

Yep, me too.

[Dino GT]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Yep, me too.

I know
I`ve been in and out of this place for a long time

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by Dino GT

I take everything as a joke all the time
I`m here to have a good time

...not a long time...

Damn mental block, I thought I had a good one...I'll be back.

[antgenn]

Police stops the car
Driver: Did I drive too fast?
Officer: Oh, no! You were flying too low.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by antgenn

Police stops the car
Driver: Did I drive too fast?
Officer: Oh, no! You were flying too low.

Ha!

True story - early 1950's:

An Arizona Trooper pulled my dad over somewhere in the Arizona desert during a return trip to California from Chicago. Dad was driving his 1949 flathead V-8 Ford.

Trooper: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Dad: "What's the speed limit?"

Trooper: "65."

Dad: "That's how fast I was going."

[SpeedBuggy]

Three guys that work together and also golf decided to ask a new hire if he plays golf. New guy replys that he does. The three buddies invite him to play on Saturday morning with a tee time of 7:00am. New guy agrees, but tells the other guys he may be a couple of minutes late but to start without him and he will catch up. Sure enough he arrives at 7:00. He plays left handed and shoots par. Impressed the three guys ask him to join them on the following Saturday, again 7:00am tee time.

Again he agrees but tells them if he may be a couple of minutes late but to start without him and he will catch up. Sure enough he is on time, but this time he plays right handed and shoots 3 under par.

Impressed, the three guys ask about his secret to playing golf left handed and right handed and shooting so well.

He responds that's easy. When I get up in the morning and my wife is laying on her left, I play left handed. If she is laying on her right, I play right handed. If she is laying on her back, that's when I'll be a couple of minutes late.

[Kowalski2011]

Jack was the top laxative salesman for 3 quarters in a row, but he was just a regular guy.

[Esteban]

It's not really drinking alone... if the cat is home.

[M5Rick]

How does NASA organise a party?
They planet.

[Dino GT]

:':

[Dpc2u]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

[Dpc2u]

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

[CamasM3e93]

Back in the day I used to be an Internist. I'm seeing this 50 year old guy for his physical and it comes time to examine his prostate. So he's elbows down on the table and I get into the exam. He gets a funny look on his face and I pause to ask, "You OK?"

He kinda shakes his head and says to me, "I always feel so weird during these things."

"Really?" I say, "how come?"

"Well doc, for one thing it's not something I do every day and I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do."

"Like what?" I said.

"Well, for instance, where am I supposed to put my pants?"

I had great empathy for the man and tried to put him at ease. "Well next time just drape them over the chair over there.....next to mine...."

[DDD31]

A penguin walks into an auto repair shop to have a leak from his transmission looked at.
As the repair shop looks at his car, the penguin decides to go to the donut shop next door and get some donuts.
After eating the donut, the penguin heads back to the repair shop and the service guy behind the counter tells him "It looks like you blew a seal".
The penguin says "No, no. I just ate a glazed donut!"

[M5Rick]

Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the right koala-fications.

[3.0L]

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

[M5Rick]

There was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter,named Nan,
Ran off with a man
And as for the bucket,Nan tuck it

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by CamasM3e93

Back in the day I used to be an Internist. I'm seeing this 50 year old guy for his physical and it comes time to examine his prostate. So he's elbows down on the table and I get into the exam. He gets a funny look on his face and I pause to ask, "You OK?"

He kinda shakes his head and says to me, "I always feel so weird during these things."

"Really?" I say, "how come?"

"Well doc, for one thing it's not something I do every day and I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do."

"Like what?" I said.

"Well, for instance, where am I supposed to put my pants?"

I had great empathy for the man and tried to put him at ease. "Well next time just drape them over the chair over there.....next to mine...."

So they both did their prostate exam at the same time? What a coincidence!

[tranquility]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the right koala-fications.

How dare you talk smack about the cutest animal in the world! You're not koalified to give such opinion!

Other fun facts:
.yes, they are not bears but marsupials
.they sleep upwards of 22 hours a day!
.mainly eat only ONE thing in life, eucalyptus leaves, which are quite toxic and low in nutrients, hence needing to sleep it off to work through digesting them
.their name comes from some native language meaning "no water" because the ppl saw these lazy buggers just hang out in the branches all day, never climbing down to the local watering hole (they mostly get their water from the leaves)
.they have 2 thumbs in each hand for better grip
.males have a scent gland on their chest used to mark territory
.unfortunately not too bright/adaptive: you could put a bunch of loose leaves on the ground and they wouldn't eat it and starve to death...somehow they have to pick it themselves from the branches, that's why caretakers always feed them by the branch-ful and not individual leaves (ok, maybe you can train them, but I haven't seen it)
.cutest animal in the world! (if you deny it I will fight you to the death)

Yes, I am a 🐨fied 🐨 lover

[Dino GT]

This couple was having problems in the bedroom, they haven`t had sex in weeks. So the wife suggests to the husband that they should try some role reversal in bed. The husband says okay, that`s a great idea.
Later that night they go to bed and the wife starts rubbing herself against the husband and starts kissing his neck getting all excited, the husband turns around pushes her away and says, leave me alone, I got a headache.