The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Lady Jane]

[KRS_SN]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[aguywalksintoabar]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

Why can't a tyrannosaurus clap?



Its extinct.

That reminds me of…

Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

[aguywalksintoabar]

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

"Your wife must like rolls," he said.

"How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked.

"Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."

[aguywalksintoabar]

Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The reception was terrific!

[spazzyfry123]

Three men were sitting at a bar silently sipping away on their beverage of choice when one strikes up a conversation with the bartender.

“You know, it’s interesting how last names are decided. In the old times they would typically align with a profession. My family has a long lineage of working with metal, so naturally my last name is Smith.”

Intrigued, the second man chimes in.

“That’s pretty enlightening. I hadn’t really thought about it, but my family has worked with wood for centuries. My last name is Wright!”

The bartender looks over at the third man noticing that he’s staying quiet.

“Hey, what about you, buddy? What’s your last name?”

The third man slams back the rest of his beer and lets out a big sigh.

“Dickinson.”

[Dino GT]

Clint was a young boy living in the country.
He had to use an outhouse and he hated it. It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Clint decided that one day he would push the outhouse into the creek.
One morning after a spring rain the creek water raised so Clint decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large piece of wood and flipped the outhouse into the creek and it floated away.
That night at the dinner table his dad told him that they were going to the woodshed after supper. Clint knew that meant a spanking, Clint asked why.
His dad told him, someone pushed the outhouse into the creek this morning, it was you, wasn`t it? Clint said yes.
The he thought for a moment and said. Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn`t get into trouble because he told the truth.
Clint`s dad said: Well son, George Washington's father wasn`t in the cherry tree.

[M5Rick]

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

[KRS_SN]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
Attending a “harmony for couples” weekend, My mate Dave and his wife, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Dave leaned over, touched her arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"


Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
Attending a “harmony for couples” weekend, My mate Dave and his wife, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Dave leaned over, touched her arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"


Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

Homepride lol if ever there was shooting oneself in the foot it would be this one.

[M5Rick]

How does a vampire start a letter. ''Tomb it may concern...''

[f10_lci]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.

[f10_lci]

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

[f10_lci]

A man who runs behind a car will get exhausted.
But man who runs in front of a car will get tired.

[KRS_SN]

True story:

My friend had to do a speed awareness course a few years ago. The instructor kept going on about speed killing to the point of tedium that it almost killed him with boredom.

Her introductory question to the group was - you’re driving along and you suddenly spot a bunch of flowers by the side of the road. What is your immediate thought?
The bloke sitting next to him raised his hand and said 'it must be spring time'. Sadly, he wasn’t trying to be humerous.

[No one]

Originally Posted by ShuhowYou

As is known to all, breasts are too soft to support for themselves. Therefore, some external forces are necessary and needed.

This is when men come handy.

Also, that thread's title "Why Should Female Wear Lovely And Sexy Bikini" reminds me of a funny thread where a woman accused an online store of selling her a "sexy" dress that looked on her nowhere similar to the selling picture, the pictures were provided. The dress itself looked very much the same, but the poster looked very different from the model, indeed. A man summarized all the comments like this: "To wear a sexy dress it's absolutely necessary to have a sexy body. No workaround! Me, too, bought a fitted shirt recently and it doesn't look any good on me. Do I have to have any muscles to outline? What a bummer!".

[KRS_SN]

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[BMWGUYinCO]

There's a new type of broom that's been released.

It's sweeping the nation.

[Esteban]

Men say that women should come with instructions.

What's the point in that? Have you ever seen a man read the instructions?

[M5Rick]

What goes up and down but doesn't move? The staircase.

[KRS_SN]

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

[BMWGUYinCO]

To the guy who invented zero: thanks for nothing.