The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[M5Rick]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that.

[KRS_SN]

A friend of mine was never happy with one watch. He used three, sometimes four pocket watches to tell the hour correctly.

We always said he had too much time on his hands.

[Mandi90TT]

Why couldn't Luke Skywalker find love?


He was looking in Alderaan places.

[M5Rick]

[Esteban]

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards.

Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game.

After watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other players and whispers "wow that dog is really smart." The man whispers back "he isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

[3.0L]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

[3.0L]

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[aguywalksintoabar]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos.
*poof*
.. He disappeared without a tres!

[aguywalksintoabar]

The other day, my wife
asked me to pass her
lipstick but I accidentally
passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.

[KRS_SN]

This morning I found a suitcase in the woods containing 6 kittens.

I called the ASPCA and they asked "are they moving?"

I said "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase

[Dino GT]

A boy had to do a special report for school, so he goes to his dad and asks him if he can ask him a question.
The dad said yes, what's the question son?
What is politics?
His dad says; Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me capitalism. Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We call the maid the working class, and your baby brother the future. Do you understand son?
I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it said the son.
That night awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that his baby brother had soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maids room and peeking through the keyhole he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy knocked on the maids door but no one came to the door. So the boy went back to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he says to his dad; dad, I think I understand politics.
His dad is all proud and says; Good boy!
Can you explain it to me son?
Well dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is full of shit.

[rwheels]

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE COURTROOM!

Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father, and took his name*.

































*Both parents agreed that the child should be sheen, and not heard.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Now THAT is genuinely Laugh Out Loud funny!!!

[rwheels]

Blonde

[M5Rick]

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your family.

[KRS_SN]

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"

His friend answered, "Sixteen.... four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer."

[vreihen16]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[M5Rick]

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that.

https://kennedyarchives.com/document/10959

[3.0L]

Why can't a tyrannosaurus clap?



Its extinct.

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by 3.0L

https://kennedyarchives.com/document/10959

To some folk meaningless talk is like breathing, if they stop they think they may die..hey a result!

[M5Rick]

I got a new pair of gloves today but they are both 'lefts',which on the one hand is great but on the other it's just not right.