The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Esteban]

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.

[Esteban]

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. – They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

[Esteban]

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

[M5Rick]

Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is to call people who are late returning library books.
One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled 'Dont Forget:Easy Excercises for a Better Memory.'

[Dpc2u]

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

[Dpc2u]

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

[Lady Jane]

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?

[Buug959]

"Karma" is pronounced "Ha-Ha-Ha".

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by LemansE90335xi

"Karma" is pronounced "Ha-Ha-Ha".

Don't know about karma but I luuv chicken korma

[M5Rick]

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realise you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

[M5Rick]

''If you do understand English,press1. If you do not understand English,press 2.''

..Recording on an Australian tax helpline.

[M5Rick]

My wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, my daughter phoned a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He said ''Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.''

[aguywalksintoabar]

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys of his new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese man replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[KRS_SN]

Sorry!

it’s no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so here goes:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.

[M5Rick]

I was at a customer service desk returning a pair of jeans that were too tight.
''Was anything wrong with them?'' the assistant asked.
''Yes,they hurt my feelings'' I replied.

[KRS_SN]

Three doctors and a lawyer stranded on a desert island with no food or water.

A short distance away across shark infested water a neighbouring island is heaving with coconuts & tropical goodies.

The doctors start work on a cunning plan to get across to the other island, however they have 3 plans between them & cannot agree

While this is going on the lawyer has swum over over & back, laden with provisions, untouched by the circling sharks

How did you do that? the doctors ask, incredulous.

The lawyer responds with a shrug; “professional courtesy”

[M5Rick]

A turtle is crossing the road when he is mugged by two snails.When the cops show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies ''I don't know, it all happened so fast''.

[KRS_SN]

Old but gold....


An elderly couple were flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

[M5Rick]

I quit my job with Nike. I just couldn't do it anymore.

[Dino GT]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
The pharmacist asks, what for? She says, I want to kill my husband. He says, sorry I can`t do that. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, you didn`t tell me you had a prescription.

[aguywalksintoabar]

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger
The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"
The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

[aguywalksintoabar]

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm."

The Lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my fucking Rolex!"