How you'd deal with it?

[jaserion]

just wondering how my fellow e90post readers/posters would deal with my situation. and maybe confirm that i've done the right thing.

be prepared, this may post may be long, but thanks for reading and advising...

1. i met and dated this girl for 1 year this coming september. it was a "long" distance relationship (3-hour drive) due to her schooling and my career. however, we were able to see each other every weekends or every other weekends depending my traveling/work schedules.

2. things went well. we took many weekend trips together, and planned for major trips in coming future. life was good. she was the one who said the "i love you" first. until...

3. my mom had a major stroke in mid-june. this was when things went sour. my mom is the love of my life, and i promised her and myself that i'd take care of her regardless. i was spending countless hours at the hospital and fighting with the insurance company to get proper care for my mom in addition to my workload. at this time i was overwhelmed, and thought about my relationship. I had a talk with my ex-gf, and gave her the option to move on if she could not hang around until my mom is recovered and at home. she assured me that she was ok and we'll have our full lives ahead of us. and then...

4. she vanished for 3 weeks without a single call, word, or text. i was still too overwhelmed with my mom and was not impacted by this. she then came back and wrote a long email and stated how she wanted a "break" to focus on her school and etc. she told me that it'll give me time for my mom and to think about if we can't live without each other.

5. i told her that i don't do breaks. breaks are avoidances. it's weak. i told her let's break up, but she refused, and just wanted time.

6. so she went on, and again disappeared for more than a week, and then texted me and asked how my mom was.

7. this was when i ignored her text because i've decided that she's not the one. just how could she disappear at my time of needs. if she cant endure my hardship now, how could i expect her to take care of me if and when i'm ill.

8. it will be more than 2 weeks since she last contacted me.

so, my fellow e90post readers/posters, did i do the right thing?

thanks again. not looking for professional advise. just hoping to see other perspectives that i may have missed.

[borisivan]

I think you did the right thing. You will have the peace of mind that you did the right thing re: your mom. However, your ex-girlfriend has moved on and so should you.

[clark192]

well, if she really cared, she should have been checking up on you and your mom and supporting you throughout, but it seems she hasnt.

i feel sorry for you both. it sounds like you made the effort to make things happen, and she just wasnt really up for the committment. i commend your dedication to family, and i hope that your ex will learn to be like this someday.

[Jet335i]

I think you did the right thing too. As the other guys (and you) pointed out, how could she be the one you want with you down the road when she disappears at the first sign of a situation where she needs to be there for you.

I know it's tough and you've got a lot going on, but cut her off and you'll be better for it down the road.

[its ray den]

what you're doing for your mom is the right thing, hands down, no question whatsoever. so don't second guess yourself there.

but what you need to also think about is what to do with this girl. try to find out why she's being this way. what's her deal? what does she want? what is she afraid of? does she understand your situation? you need to have a nice long conversation with her and make her spill her beans instead of avoiding you. don't leave any question unasked. once you figure out where her heart is, making the decision on whether to let her go or not will be easier.

what she's doing seems more like some kind of defense mechanism than anything else. if she didn't care about you, she would've broken it off instead of asking for a break.

[jaserion]

thanks guys. i thought so, but just wanted to make sure that i've seen "other side of the fence". the more i thought of it, the more i felt that it was a mixing blessing.

[Couch]

First and foremost, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she's able to make a full recovery. My grandma had a massive stroke and lived (albeit a vegetable) for nearly 15 years. If you ever need to just chat or vent since I've been through a similar situation feel free to PM me.

To the topic at hand. You're doing exactly what you should do. She obviously isn't who you should live the rest of your life with. IMO, she's not showing that she truly cares about you. Otherwise she would make an effort to prove that.

I think going through a tragedy such as this, is the perfect way to determine how much someone you care about cares for you. Disappearing several times, then coming back. What was she doing during that time? She'll never come clean with you.

I also agree 110% that breaks are an effort to avoidance. You're mom is your mom, NO ONE can EVER replace your mom and the love you have for her. And no girl is worth it. A girl that truly cared about you, would be at your side in the hospital no matter how far away she is.

Continue do what you're doing, you're under enough stress and you don't need to deal with this girls games. It's not needed and she's selfish for playing with your heart and mind.

Keep your head up man and stay positive. I sincerely hope your mom makes a full recovery.

[Neurorad]

Sorry about your mom; you're a great son.

Move on. You'll find another girlfriend. You'll find a hundred other girlfriends.

[MadDog]

Originally Posted by Neurorad

Sorry about your mom; you're a great son.

Move on. You'll find another girlfriend. You'll find a hundred other girlfriends.

+1. Sounds like your girlfriend has already moved on.

[jaserion]

thanks again. i realized that, but i just wanted hear all perspectives, and made sure that i gave it "another chance" that way i will never have to ask "why i didn't do this or that".

i, however, have a lot of questions such as "how could someone told me she loves me and left me like this?", "what did i do or didnt do to deserve this?", and etc. it's just too f'ed-up to accept it. i just dont understand.

[Couch]

Originally Posted by jaserion

thanks again. i realized that, but i just wanted hear all perspectives, and made sure that i gave it "another chance" that way i will never have to ask "why i didn't do this or that".

i, however, have a lot of questions such as "how could someone told me she loves me and left me like this?", "what did i do or didnt do to deserve this?", and etc. it's just too f'ed-up to accept it. i just dont understand.

She may not have really loved you. She could have just been "comfortable" and said it.

Or maybe she's never dealt with a tragedy like this in her life and she doesn't know how to react. She get's scared and instead of facing problems head on and learning from them, she runs away and hides. A lot of times people hurt the ones they love because they don't know how to show they really care.

Get answers later, when life is less hectic and you have less to be concerned about. If it's still bothering you months or a year from now, call her up and try to get answers.

This is just one of those times where it's better to focus on what's really important, and that being your mom. And focus on the positives, that you're mom is doing okay and you're able to spend extra quality time with her now.

[ae8t6ix]

Don't try to understand it or make sense of it. There's no rhyme or reason to why things like this happen in life. Trying to make sense of it, understanding it will just drive you crazy. My only advice is the answer is in you, no one can give you closure but yourself. I commend your love for your family, not enough people today feel that way. Trust your gut instincts and most of all don't get suckered into getting back with her, it's done move on.

[ukthunderace]

I know what you are going through. I had a girl break up with me a week after my mom died suddenly. How cold. Better off apart for sure!

[Taittinger]

Did you include her in taking care of your mother or did you just shut her out to focus on your mother? Did you share with her? In other words, did you let her be a part of your ordeal or push her away? It seems the latter since as you stated you first suggested moving on.

Either way, there is no right or wrong.

[jaserion]

Originally Posted by Taittinger

Did you include her in taking care of your mother or did you just shut her out to focus on your mother? Did you share with her? In other words, did you let her be a part of your ordeal or push her away? It seems the latter since as you stated you first suggested moving on.

Either way, there is no right or wrong.

good point, but it was not the case. she offered once to visit my mom, but i was not ready for her to meet my mom for the 1st time like that. beside she constantly felt guilty when she went out with friends, that was why i suggested to break up so she can enjoy life. finally, every time we talked she only talked about how bored she was and many guys hit on her when she was out with friends.

by typing this reply, i guess that it was obvious. damn, that was f'ed-up for what she did. ok, no more questioning, she doesnt deserve a second of my life.


thanks for the replies guys/gals.

[danniexi]

as everyone else has said, you can have millions of girlfriends, but only one mother. first off, i wish her the best of luck. be strong.

second, girls don't disappear for 3 weeks without calling unless they have a reason. shes in school. she most likely met another guy. shes worthless. not worth any of your time. move on. there are obviously bigger priorities in life.

[ideliver]

Originally Posted by Neurorad

Sorry about your mom; you're a great son.

Move on. You'll find another girlfriend. You'll find a hundred other girlfriends.

+1

[e46e92love]

Originally Posted by jaserion

thanks again. i realized that, but i just wanted hear all perspectives, and made sure that i gave it "another chance" that way i will never have to ask "why i didn't do this or that".

i, however, have a lot of questions such as "how could someone told me she loves me and left me like this?", "what did i do or didnt do to deserve this?", and etc. it's just too f'ed-up to accept it. i just dont understand.

Dude, I could go one for hours about why/how and examples of women who act like this girl. Got some great female friends and they will be the first to say woman can be as unpredictable and screwed up as the guys they bitch about.....

But, I found a great one, and I would never appreciate her if it hadn't been for the not so great ones, so to quote a great poet, "brush the dirt off your shoulder" and move on

More importantly hope your mother continues to improve and better days come into your life. Chin up, the girl was a good life experience and its what makes this life an AWESOME roller coaster

[jaserion]

thanks guys/gals for positive notes. i've definitely moved on. like i said earlier, just have a few questions. i guess that i'll never find out nor do i want to. something in life is better left unsaid.

finally and huge thanks for well wishes for my mom, she has come a long way. she's recovering 1 day at a time. she has been away from home for more than 2 months between hospital and rehab centers. i hope she'll get to go home soon! i'm just glad to be able to be there with her every single day since the stroke. i plan on continue to be there until the end.

[MrSteak]

Sorry to hear about your situation. But you're definitely doing the right thing. (As everyone is saying.)


As for this girl... ignore her....COMPLETELY!

She'll contact you, and if you ignore her, she'll keep trying to contact you until she does. (So unless she comes clean, and opens up, don't give her that satisfaction/attention.) Chances are that she's entertained the idea of other guys, and that alone is bad enough (aside from not being supportive to you). So, fuck her.

[DreDre]

This situation really hits close to home for me b/c my bf's mom got sick w/ cancer 2 years ago this december (my bf and I have been together for 3 years). She passed away 1 year ago. This has been overwhelmingly tough for my bf as him and his mom were really close. It has caused a lot of changes in him and he and our relationship. However, there was no way that I could leave him to deal w/ it on his own. I love him very much and I was there at all of the painful times throughout the process as someone to confide in and talk to. Our relationship has definitely come second as by bf tries to heal and we are just starting to do some serious work to get our relationship back on track (we have had more and more arguments as we let problems slide in favor of focusing on healing the pain from his mom's passing).

I think that you did the right thing. I truely believe that my boyfriend and I are a strong team that faces these things together and I couldnt even imagine leaving during the tough times.