The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[JeffL0]

peanuts

[JeffL0]

https://twitter.com/dannyjokes/status/1836...EOaIPexZyltDHw

[Buug959]

PP

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by Buug959

PP

[Esteban]

What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?

“Want to see if it fits?”

[vreihen16]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!!!!!

[Esteban]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[Llarry]

I was planning on being a safe driver, but if my insurance company is going to charge me like I'm a street racer, I might as well get my money's worth.

[hubbahubba]

An old farmer takes his truck into town to the mechanic for a repair. The mechanic tells him that he is swamped, but if he left it overnight, it would be ready for him to pick up in the morning. The farmer agrees, and started his walk home.

On his walk he passes a hardware store, and stops in and purchases a gallon of paint and a 5 gallon bucket, and continues on his way. Then he walks over to the farm supply store and purchases 2 chickens and a goose. Realizing how much he has to carry on the rest of his walk home he begins to stress about it and asks the cashier what he should do. The cashier says, "That's easy, just put the paint in the bucket, a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other arm." The farmer says, "That's genius", and continues on his way as directed.

Continuing his walk he comes across a little old lady who is crying and obviously in distress. He asks her what's wrong, and she says she is lost and can he help her find 424 Elm Street. The farmer agrees, and says "I am going right by there, just follow me". Off they go. They come to an alley, and the farmer says that they are going to take a shortcut through the alley. The old lady says, "oh no, you could get me down there with nobody around and have your way with me". The farmer says "That's ridiculous! How would I do that with all this stuff I'm carrying?" The old lady says "That's easy, you put the goose on the ground and cover it with the bucket, drop the paint, and I'll hold the chickens."