Hi guys (and gals),
looking for a little relationship advice... bear in mind, I am not the most experienced in relationships, so if this sounds noobish... forgive me.
I have been close with a woman, let's call her Jane, for over a year... we message each other "daily", spend weekends and evenings together, go on holidays together... but it's a little complicated...
There is one topic in general that seems to trigger endless complaints - my driving. It must be mentioned that the first time she saw me drive has probably left its mark: it was a massive downpour, at 23:00 at night, and we had an hour and a half ahead of us...
And I drove carefully, yes, but clearly (and as she confessed recently) to her, it seemed to be "on the limit". She said nothing at the time... but since, on shorter drives, she has complained about "braking too hard", "following cars infront too close" (I don't tailgate, but when we're in a traffic jam or at "walking speeds", I do hold a 3, 4 meter gap, usually not more), "driving too slow in parking lots", "taking turns too aggressively", etc.
To try to aid things, I let her drive for a bit... and I gathered some experience in that she brakes much earlier and ever so softly. So, I started to do this too, I accelerate gently, etc. She has claimed that it's a marked improvement!
BUT! Two things have happened:
- I took her on a trip with a friend of hers, and I could sense she was nervous. She said I was driving like so and so, but... her friend joined us for a part of the journey (4 hour drive). At the end of the journey, her friend said "what a wonderful driver I am"... and lo and behold, Jane said that ever since we picked up her friend, I had been driving "better"
---- my drawn conclusion: I drove the same. But she took her mind and worry off things, and concentrated on her discussion with her friend...
- We recently had to get to an appointment reasonably on time. Since we're in a COVID country, it could be expected that traffic will not be bad. But even so, I launched WAZE and drove according to WAZE... and a few times during the journey, I heard:
---- "I wonder how this navigation algorithm works"
---- "You're taking us all around the city, clearly"
---- "It's quite twisty here"
---- "I would have just checked the main roads on Google and went my own way"
etc... From my point of view, WAZE did choose an optimal route, that avoided several traffic lights at intersections, and we got where we needed to be on time.
On the way back, since we weren't necessarily pressed for time, I let her "choose" the way... and all in all, we a) ran in to a "construction site", b) the road was marginally less twisty, c) we "made it on time"...
In general, I am a calm person, and I don't really press onto people close to me to "push my opinion through". So, all in all, I didn't directly comment on her "complaints", or if I did, I tried to do so in a sarcastic, funny way (i.e. "Oh, I want you to see the beauty of the city" , etc.)
To me, this is a relationship topic that keeps recurring, and I would like to sort it out. From my point of view:
- I have accommodated my driving style to suit her perceptions (there may be a little improvement left here, but nothing too big, I assume)
- She is probably carrying the "first negative first experience" with her
=== All in all, to me, it seems like this is more in her mind than in my driving
I have the sort of feeling that whatever I do, however I drive, it will always be wrong unless she is physically in control of the car.
- If I take the "objectively" fastest route... well, we've seen that, it's too twisty etc. (with no comment on how it avoids traffic, lights, etc.)
- If I take the "preferred" route, and arrive late - well, we're late, I would have gone that way... etc.
- If I choose the shorter lane of traffic and then get stuck... well who's to blame... etc etc etc
Yes, I am a spirited driver, and yes, I am first to look at myself... but, based on my description:
- what do you think?
- what should I do?
In terms of what to do, I don't want to be ignorant to her, but I have decided - based on all this that I have experienced - to be playful and lighthearted about her complaints. Not to demean or make fun of her, but to show her I do feel what she's saying to a certain extent, and that "everything will be alright".
HELP PLEASE! Thanks
