[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Sedan_Clan

Ok ladies and gents, I'll present a scenario and I want honest feedback.

So….

…my career field doesn't really provide me with holidays off most of the time. My station does a lottery type approach to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day; essentially everybody will get one of those four days off.

In July of this year, Hottie Attorney was asked to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for New Year's Eve (….prior to anything official happening between her and I in terms of relationship status/title although we had been casually dating ever since April of 2020). I've known about the trip since July, but I didn't think much of it initially. One of her friends played with the idea of it being a couples trip if I could find a guy friend for her, but that wasn't something I could commit to.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. Hottie Attorney asked me if I felt left out/slighted because I wasn't formally invited. Choosing not to be "that guy," I told her I didn't mind. I didn't want to come across controlling or anything. For the record, she has gone on many girl's-only trips, so that's not the crux of the issue. In any case, I asked for Christmas Eve off because she holds that day in high(er) regard, but I was given New Year's Eve off instead. I had hoped that being presented with that information she would have taken it upon herself to decide to spend it with me since I'm off work. When that didn't happen, I started to develop a bit of resentment because I would've done that for her. To me, New Year's Eve can be significant when you're in a relationship and it began to bother me.

On Tuesday night I finally said something……at 2am. Admittedly it wasn't ideal timing considering it was the middle of the night and considering she has been really stressed at work. It also didn't help that Sunday and Monday she could feel a shift in my energy, but she didn't understand why. In that moment, I basically released everything that had been building up, and it blindsided her a bit. Generally speaking, our communication is fantastic, but in that moment there was a breakdown. I take responsibility for not bringing it up sooner; for allowing it to fester. While we both consider it a minor hiccup that wasn't damaging (…and was a small ordeal in the grand scheme of the relationship), I can't help but question whether I should've made a big deal about it. To me, the issue surrounding spending that evening together means something. She admitted that it was a lapse of judgment on her part not to acknowledge my availability and to attempt to consider other options. We both carry responsibility in this, but I do feel bad because she's shouldering a lot at work and this issue just added more stress because she had an opportunity to decline to go, but when asked I didn't speak up at the time. Now there's some tension. Not relationship ending tension, but tension nonetheless…..and I feel like we took a slight step backwards from a mostly forward progressing and healthy relationship.

My heart was in the right place. I just want to be with her that evening. It will fill awkward being off and us not being together. I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I went to Las Vegas instead of spending it with her - knowing she was available - she would feel some type of way about that (…and probably question my priorities). She told me she would rethink the trip, but if she decides to spend it with me, will there be resentment? If she decides to go, what does that say about our relationship, my voiced concerns and her priorities? I dunno. I'm trapped in a whirlwind of perplexity. Thoughts?

I've let stuff fester too, so keep that in mind - I'm no better than you when I say this. Communication is so important. And not the type of communication that happens once you boil over from having let something fester. That's the bad sort. But sounds like you already recognize where you went wrong.

You have every right to communicate, and you should, as early as possible. As soon as you let something fester, I've found that during the time I let it fester, it becomes a much bigger deal to me than it would be if I addressed it right off the bat. I suspect this is because I have (and we all have) a little internal attorney present at all times, defending us and our actions, explaining to our inner self why we were right / justified, and why the other person wasn't. This attorney really goes to work if you give him the time to do so - he's fricking tireless in his efforts and when you let something fester, you give this guy the time to blow things out of proportion.

Ultimately, you aren't wrong about your desire to spend time together on significant occasions, nor are you wrong that if the shoe was on the other foot, she might be looking at you with similar resentment.

That said, you've also known about this for a while and didn't say anything until it was too late. Not only that, when asked, you told her you didn't mind. This then is a consequence of your actions, so take it. You lied, and you didn't act in time. That's it, bluntly, in a nut shell. It would not be fair for you to now expect her to cancel for you having misled her. Think about how you might feel if she did to you, what you did to her, and you had already committed to going on a trip with some guys, and last minute she says "why didn't you cancel"? Even though you had been told she didn't mind you going, and never said anything about it the whole way along.

Communication, communication, communication. So fricking important. And knowing that, I still fail to do so adequately and quickly enough numerous times in my marriage.

Sounds like otherwise you have a very healthy relationship and you tend to communicate quickly with each other.